Notes on Emotional Connectivity

How does it feel when someone is truly invested in your well-being and validates your needs and feelings? How does it feel to be seen?

I've known it with just a few people and it's pretty awesome. I treasure the few that have touched me in this way, those that pause with intention to truly see me, to connect, and know me -- even if I've looked away, fearing to be known.

Empathy: It's an amazing gift to receive and to give.

The subject of emotional connectivity is of huge interest to me. I am intrigued, I want to learn the skill, I desire the experience. By contrast, the topic of emotional neglect has been brought to my attention as well since it stands in stark contrast to connectivity, empathy, and relationship. One builds and nourishes, the other erodes and sickens. Our nearest relationships can be measured on a spectrum, except this spectrum has no center, no neutral. Relationships are never neutral.

I have three little journals here with me tonight, each used for a different collection of notes. Today, however, I noticed a similar theme weaved throughout all three, so I've decided to gather some of those thoughts in a collection here. I hope to do so in somewhat of a cohesive way.

Notes 10/27/2018:

A prayer~ "Lord, give me eyes to see and affirm progress, not perfection. Remove criticism from my lips, and give me a heart of thanksgiving. Open my lips with words of encouragement, and use them to build up and give LIFE."

"The mouth (words) of the righteous is a fountain of LIFE..." Prov. 10:11

"The southing tongue (kind, helpful words) is a tree of LIFE..." Prov.15: 4

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." Job 6: 14

Affirm, encourage, validate, congratulate. Have compassion. Share in another's joy, no matter the subject. Touch, look, give attention, seek to understand.

Notes on emotional neglect:

Over time, neglect causes wounds. These wounds are the result of what is not done (contrasted by abuse, which is something that is done).

Note of urgent reminder: Put down your phone, lest it become a tool to inflict emotional neglect.

Reading notes:

Parents who under-notice, under-value, or under-respond to their children's emotions inadvertently send a powerful message to the child that says, "You don't matter." People who didn't receive emotional validation from their parents in childhood will likely struggle to provide it as parents. If you have emotional blind spots, you'll be blind to other people's emotions as well.

Emotional neglect is a cycle that can be broken with awareness, intentional discipline, and practice.

Summer reading notes, 2017:

Affirmation praises God for the work of the Holy Spirit (fruit) in the lives of believers. Affirmation returns the glory to God and encourages the individual.

True encouragement affirms attributes of God in ALL people made in His image. Therefore, affirmation of people can return praise to God.

Thinking on what is lovely and of good repute in a person helps to develop words that encourage and build up.

To be a source of help and encouragement requires the development of observation. Study those you love, and those you've been given momentary opportunity to love with affirming words.

Notes on creativity and individuality, summer 2017 (in preparation to teach my kids):

God is Creator, and created us in his image; we also create and express creativity and individuality. Because God was so creative in making us each differently, our own individual expressions and appreciation for creativity is going to differ.

So learn to appreciate differences. Don't look down on others for liking and expressing different styles, music, art, fashion, decor, humor, etc.

Don't even give a hint of disapproval for such things as individual preference, but cultivate a heart of appreciation and praise for individuality. No one ever stood out for good/change/innovation/justice... by being like everyone else.

Choose to be inspired and motivated by others, and be FREE to be who God made you to be.

Affirmation and inspiration is the opposite attitude of jealous comparison.

Thoughts on superficial/external affirmation:

As with so many things, we've over-reacted to the self-centered nature of the self-esteem movement. Being anti-self-esteem is not the answer.

For crying out loud, it's OK to say "You are so pretty" to your daughter (or any girl)! The Bible says it as a matter of fact about Sarah, Rachel, and Esther (to name a few). They were simply beautiful women. Same goes for the handsomeness of the boys in our lives. Don't we want the proper expression of femininity and masculinity in our children?! Then affirm it when you see it! Note what is good, what is lovely, commendable! Saying, "Your outfit looks great!" affirms things like thought, order, and creativity. Don't withhold kind words for fear of vanity. Let your people know they are seen by you! Be known for commending rather than critiquing.

Maybe this building of confidence by us will keep them from trying to find it in all the wrong places and through the wrong means later on...?

Obviously, also affirm the things that cannot be "seen" such as:

-how a situation was handled
-integrity
-helpfulness
-obedience
-discernment/ wisdom
-problem solving
-organization
-social skills (ex. humor, politeness, confidence, poise)

Closing thoughts on emotional connectivity:

Do you know what it's like when someone is unable to connect emotionally? Do you feel like you are able to have a meaningful relationship?

No. It's awkward and confusing at best, and likely detrimental.

How about relationship with the Holy Spirit? Is it possible to be in relationship with God and be void of affection and emotion? How can we be aware of him and relate to his indwelling if we don't at least partially relate through feeling?

I frequently ask myself to what extent I am emotionally stunted. Maybe this is peculiar to you, dear reader, or maybe the world is filled with emotional dysfunction. I'm not one to know.

I've loved noting how Jesus was full of uninhibited emotion, and how he beautifully related with the people closest to him. It has been helpful to realize how my relationship with the Lord can be alive with emotion rather than lethargic with only logic. He created us to be emotion-filled people; he has intended for us to experience him and this life he abundantly gives. We cannot fully experience anything through logic and knowledge alone.

I want to learn to feel and to connect deeply; openly and out loud.


~Katherine
(Images 8/2018)

Look for the good. Live out the good.

Is it just me or did today feel like Monday? And yesterday, too? Of course Monday was Monday, so it felt like it should since we had a regular work day here (even though it was a holiday for some).

Andrew is writing an opinion piece and in his research he found out that more people have heart attacks on Monday than on any other day of the week.

I'm feeling like all the Mondays this week got the best of me.

My sweet little Jack picked up on my defeat today and did his best to lighten my load. For him, this meant doing his very best at reading (which means having a good attitude) and gifting me a special little note. He wanted me to notice the leaf he found was heart-shaped.

I took out my camera because I have to stop and see the good in a day such as this. If I am not intentional, I will surely miss it.

I don't want to be swallowed up by all the Mondays of my week, or by too many things to do, or by bad attitudes or depression, or discouragement, or simply the bleakness of the mundane. Simply put, I  don't want to be under the control of indwelling sin. When the undesirable stuff of life presses against me hard, I want my responses to be from a transformed heart being led by the Spirit. I want my words and my my thoughts, and my facial expressions and body language to be under the control of the Holy Spirit.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit."

For this I pray hard... and repent and get up and fight all over again. The battle is long and never ending this side of eternity, but I am determined to keep fighting.


~Katherine

He waits to open His treasury

I read this at the start of the day and thought, "Yes!" I want all the Spirit's precious gifts in my life! I must have them to survive! But I also remember that prayer doesn't come naturally to the immature Christian. As I've done many times in my life, I have confessed to the Lord my lack to desire for prayer. I've asked him over and over again for relationship with him, true and personal. He is faithful: "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8)

"Prayer is the life-breath of a man's soul. Without it, we may have a name to live, and be counted Christians; but we are dead in the sight of God. The feeling that we must cry to God for mercy and peace is a mark of grace; and the habit of spreading before Him our soul's wants is an evidence that we have the spirit of adoption. And prayer is the appointed way to obtain the relief of our spiritual necessities. It opens the treasury, and sets the fountain flowing. If we have not, it is because we ask not.

"Prayer is the way to procure the outpouring of the Spirit upon our hearts. Jesus has promised the Holy Ghost, the Comforter. He is ready to come down with all His precious gifts, renewing, sanctifying, purifying, strengthening, cheering, encouraging, enlightening, teaching, directing, guiding into all truth. But then He waits to be entreated."

J.C. Ryle,  Thoughts for Young Men,  p. 56-57

~Katherine

God in the Mystery

It was the perfect day to be outdoors-- a lovely day to be savored and remembered here.

After school, we took off on our bicycles and ended up here. Where else?

My mud lovin' boy...

...and football playin' girl.

Brothers. Two amigos.

Pals. 

Anklet made of a thin seaweed strand.

Lacing up for the ride back.

Taking a detour off the main road always brings unexpected pleasantries...

California poppies: like delicate sunshine springing up from the ground.

My sunshine loving sweetie. She is hoping for a hot summer.

>>>:<<<

The rain came down suddenly and forcefully last night. I turned on the deck light to see if there was hail because the rain drops against my kitchen window sounded like pellets. The wind soon picked up and flung over the patio umbrella, and both the umbrella and its heavy base blew across the deck, stopping only at the railing. 

Such a contrast to our bright, sunny day on sandy beach and through the loveliness of wild blossoms. 

Sunny days... They are a blessing to be savored. The same goes for happiness; it is a sweet gift. But just like the bliss of a carefree sunny afternoon, happiness comes and goes.

After the rain and deep into the night, the wind raged on. Strange noises kept me awake, even caused me to check twice for the possibility of a slamming window in the garage below my bedroom. My bathroom door slammed hard, and the neighbor's gate clanked against the fence all night long. The palm tree outside my bedroom was nearly bent over in the gale, like palms in the images of east coast hurricanes, and I wondered if it would find its way into the pool. I pulled the covers higher around my cheeks, feeling lonely in a big empty bed. Somehow these storms are felt differently with the warmth and comfort of my husband near me. I was not afraid and I tried to sleep through it, but rest was illusive. I wondered if our football games would be cancelled. I wondered if the roof would fly off. I trust you God. Give me peace and joy in the storm of chaos and uncertainty. 

Happiness is not the pursuit of my life. Treasures in heaven are not stored up by chasing happiness in this life. Happiness is unreliable and illusive anyway, an empty pursuit.

But JOY! That is deeper and enduring. Joy is a gift given by God for those who walk by the Spirit. And I want it!

We walk out into the unknown when the Spirit leads. We do not walk blindly or foolishly, but confidently and with a calm excitement. Others may not understand; they may even wonder at the wisdom, or warn of the risk. But the Spirit leads our hearts when we seek Him, and I want to follow. Into the unknown, into the night of mystery and looming storm, I will follow.

And to me He says, "Fear not. I am with you always." To the storm He says, "Peace, be still."

So I am not afraid because I am His and He is mine. And in the mystery of the unknown, He is the story writer. There is something exhilarating about a storm raging all around, because in that storm-- in the dark power and the danger, in the undisclosed outcome-- is God who is holding it all together. 

And He is holding me.

>>>:<<<

I've had this song playing on my computer this week. Fitting.

~Katherine

Power for Living

This is the view from my spot tonight, a perfect ending to a cold and very full day. Endings like this seem to sooth the troubles and disappointments that are felt at the end of any long day, and the things left undone seem of little consequence now. 

Like most days I got up thinking that I will simply do what I can, I'll move from one thing to the next and accept any "interruption" from the loving hand of God. I've been praying recently that God would show me how to best invest my time and my talents for His glory. I want to reap rewards at the end of this life; I want to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

I've just begun to re-reading Keep in Step with the Spirit by J.I. Packer, and this morning I read the following:

"...Supernatural living through supernatural empowering is at the very heart of New Testament Christianity... All who are realistic about themselves are from time to time overwhelmed with a sense of inadequacy. All Christians time and again are forced to cry, "Lord, help me, strengthen me, give me power to speak and act in the way that pleases you, make me equal to the demands and pressures which I face." We are called to fight evil in all forms in and around us, and we need to learn that in this battle the Spirit's power alone gives victory, while self-reliance leads only to the discovery of one's impotence and the experience of defeat."

Yes. We are not left to live this life alone. We have the POWER of God within us, all the time.

"Lord, teach me to depend on your power and your leading in my life. Teach me to die to myself and live for You..."

~~

Jon has now joined me here by the fire, bringing me a cup of tea. Delightful!

~Katherine

Truer than True

The last few years have brought many changes. Really, I think that's just the course of life: People change, situations transform, relationships are redefined, goals are made anew, burdens lifted and new ones given. What is true of a relationship or circumstance today may not be the same reality tomorrow. The truth of my life today is ever-shifting, always changing, unpredictable.

I have found myself uneasy with this constant flux; people/relationships and situations changing before I can become accustomed to the old.

But such is life.

And of course change is good and should keep us alert and vigilant; change doesn't necessarily imply something negative. It's just that the reality of today, what is true in my life today, will change whether I want it to or not.

There is one change I desperately want: It is to be changed into the likeness of Christ, to grow in holiness and devotion to God.

To be like Him, to find my every need met in Him, will give me the stability I need to face all the unexpected. And though life seems unstable at times, and I move forward unsure, God is never changing. What was true about Him yesterday will continue to be true for eternity.

This is the one truth I need to keep my focus on.

What I desire in the midst of my days, when I wake and when I lie down at night, is relationship with the One in whose hands my life is kept secure. What a thought! To think that the God of the universe, the One who is holy and who has time and eternity in His hands, the one who is perfect and cannot change offers me friendship, comfort, and strength!

When everything around me is shifting I want my relationship with Christ to be a constant truth, a reality that is truer than the changing truth of today. I want communion with God, an ongoing relationship with Jesus. I want to be filled by His Spirit. I want to live life stable and confident in Him, obedient and surrendered to Him alone.

True communion with God is induced by the Holy Spirit; it comes from and is maintained by regular and intimate prayer, by meditation in His Word, by confession and keeping a clean conscience, and by asking God for His fullness. 

John MacArthur says that to be filled with the Spirit is "a command for believers to live continually under the influence of the Spirit by letting the Word control us, pursuing pure lives, confessing all known sins, dying to self, surrendered to God's will, and depending in His power in all things. Being filled with the Spirit is living in the conscious presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, letting His mind through the Word dominate everything that is thought and done."

I want it: Living in the conscious presence of the Lord Jesus Christ!

How different my days would be if this was the truth of every moment! But as I strive for this, as I beg for the Lord to indwell me and to become increasingly real to me, I am comforted in His promises to meet my every need and to change me, little my little, into His likeness. 

“The most miserable person on earth is the man or woman who does not know how to turn to God—or how to draw from God all that the soul needs to live. They are easily disturbed, easily driven to fear and anxiety, easily driven to self-pity and dissatisfaction.

Why are these people so easily troubled? It is because they cannot control circumstances or get life to turn out exactly the way they want it to. Also, because they cannot have exactly what they want.”

Thomas ‘a Kempis
Come, Lord Jesus
Edited by David Hazard, p. 67

God promises that if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me (James 4:8). This is my passion and prayer today. More than anything, I want His nearness...


~Katherine

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