Notes on Emotional Connectivity

How does it feel when someone is truly invested in your well-being and validates your needs and feelings? How does it feel to be seen?

I've known it with just a few people and it's pretty awesome. I treasure the few that have touched me in this way, those that pause with intention to truly see me, to connect, and know me -- even if I've looked away, fearing to be known.

Empathy: It's an amazing gift to receive and to give.

The subject of emotional connectivity is of huge interest to me. I am intrigued, I want to learn the skill, I desire the experience. By contrast, the topic of emotional neglect has been brought to my attention as well since it stands in stark contrast to connectivity, empathy, and relationship. One builds and nourishes, the other erodes and sickens. Our nearest relationships can be measured on a spectrum, except this spectrum has no center, no neutral. Relationships are never neutral.

I have three little journals here with me tonight, each used for a different collection of notes. Today, however, I noticed a similar theme weaved throughout all three, so I've decided to gather some of those thoughts in a collection here. I hope to do so in somewhat of a cohesive way.

Notes 10/27/2018:

A prayer~ "Lord, give me eyes to see and affirm progress, not perfection. Remove criticism from my lips, and give me a heart of thanksgiving. Open my lips with words of encouragement, and use them to build up and give LIFE."

"The mouth (words) of the righteous is a fountain of LIFE..." Prov. 10:11

"The southing tongue (kind, helpful words) is a tree of LIFE..." Prov.15: 4

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." Job 6: 14

Affirm, encourage, validate, congratulate. Have compassion. Share in another's joy, no matter the subject. Touch, look, give attention, seek to understand.

Notes on emotional neglect:

Over time, neglect causes wounds. These wounds are the result of what is not done (contrasted by abuse, which is something that is done).

Note of urgent reminder: Put down your phone, lest it become a tool to inflict emotional neglect.

Reading notes:

Parents who under-notice, under-value, or under-respond to their children's emotions inadvertently send a powerful message to the child that says, "You don't matter." People who didn't receive emotional validation from their parents in childhood will likely struggle to provide it as parents. If you have emotional blind spots, you'll be blind to other people's emotions as well.

Emotional neglect is a cycle that can be broken with awareness, intentional discipline, and practice.

Summer reading notes, 2017:

Affirmation praises God for the work of the Holy Spirit (fruit) in the lives of believers. Affirmation returns the glory to God and encourages the individual.

True encouragement affirms attributes of God in ALL people made in His image. Therefore, affirmation of people can return praise to God.

Thinking on what is lovely and of good repute in a person helps to develop words that encourage and build up.

To be a source of help and encouragement requires the development of observation. Study those you love, and those you've been given momentary opportunity to love with affirming words.

Notes on creativity and individuality, summer 2017 (in preparation to teach my kids):

God is Creator, and created us in his image; we also create and express creativity and individuality. Because God was so creative in making us each differently, our own individual expressions and appreciation for creativity is going to differ.

So learn to appreciate differences. Don't look down on others for liking and expressing different styles, music, art, fashion, decor, humor, etc.

Don't even give a hint of disapproval for such things as individual preference, but cultivate a heart of appreciation and praise for individuality. No one ever stood out for good/change/innovation/justice... by being like everyone else.

Choose to be inspired and motivated by others, and be FREE to be who God made you to be.

Affirmation and inspiration is the opposite attitude of jealous comparison.

Thoughts on superficial/external affirmation:

As with so many things, we've over-reacted to the self-centered nature of the self-esteem movement. Being anti-self-esteem is not the answer.

For crying out loud, it's OK to say "You are so pretty" to your daughter (or any girl)! The Bible says it as a matter of fact about Sarah, Rachel, and Esther (to name a few). They were simply beautiful women. Same goes for the handsomeness of the boys in our lives. Don't we want the proper expression of femininity and masculinity in our children?! Then affirm it when you see it! Note what is good, what is lovely, commendable! Saying, "Your outfit looks great!" affirms things like thought, order, and creativity. Don't withhold kind words for fear of vanity. Let your people know they are seen by you! Be known for commending rather than critiquing.

Maybe this building of confidence by us will keep them from trying to find it in all the wrong places and through the wrong means later on...?

Obviously, also affirm the things that cannot be "seen" such as:

-how a situation was handled
-integrity
-helpfulness
-obedience
-discernment/ wisdom
-problem solving
-organization
-social skills (ex. humor, politeness, confidence, poise)

Closing thoughts on emotional connectivity:

Do you know what it's like when someone is unable to connect emotionally? Do you feel like you are able to have a meaningful relationship?

No. It's awkward and confusing at best, and likely detrimental.

How about relationship with the Holy Spirit? Is it possible to be in relationship with God and be void of affection and emotion? How can we be aware of him and relate to his indwelling if we don't at least partially relate through feeling?

I frequently ask myself to what extent I am emotionally stunted. Maybe this is peculiar to you, dear reader, or maybe the world is filled with emotional dysfunction. I'm not one to know.

I've loved noting how Jesus was full of uninhibited emotion, and how he beautifully related with the people closest to him. It has been helpful to realize how my relationship with the Lord can be alive with emotion rather than lethargic with only logic. He created us to be emotion-filled people; he has intended for us to experience him and this life he abundantly gives. We cannot fully experience anything through logic and knowledge alone.

I want to learn to feel and to connect deeply; openly and out loud.


~Katherine
(Images 8/2018)