Never Alone

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you."

Is. 26:3

It's a guess to assume I'm not the only one who struggles to lay aside weighty thoughts and the cares of life to focus on Christ during Sunday morning worship, but I will try not to assume and speak only for myself. My thoughts and feelings can plague and severely distract me even when my sincere desire is to meditate on the One who rescues and redeems me from it all. The tape plays. Emotional tidal waves come in hard. My thoughts drift.

Here's what I'm learning again. It's not my duty to lay my troubles aside during worship, as if they don't matter or are unimportant. God is in fact the giver of my circumstances, my trials, the important work, and the people to care for; he also created me to respond with emotion to all the difficulties and joys of life. He gives it all to me, ordained it, knows it completely. So it's not my junk to hide from him or to shove aside for a short time. It is only mine to carry to him. I am to cast all my anxieties on Him because he cares for me (1 Pet. 5:7). This may be a better act of worship on such Sunday mornings, far better than mechanically moving my lips to words on the screen. He only beckons us to come wholly as we are, only trusting and obeying, and expecting his divine love and care.

I actually did sing on Sunday - with sincerity, too. In the midst of the struggle, he is far greater. May we know his eternal majesty and lovingkindness to always surpass our earthly, temporary struggles.

These lyrics were helpful in turning my attention to worship because his power and promises are mine to tangibly experience.

O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Strong defender of my weary heart

My sword to fight the cruel deceiver

And my shield against his hateful darts

My song when enemies surround me

My hope when tides of sorrow rise

My joy when trials are abounding

Your faithfulness, my refuge in the night

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Phil. 4:6

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Matt. 11:28

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Eph. 6:13

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Rom. 8:28

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.  Ps. 62:2

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  James 1:2-3

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.  Heb. 12:3

Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.  Heb. 13:15

A friend mentioned an article to me tonight regarding the pastor's wife. I could have written something similar, maybe with a few slight additions, omissions, and some different nuances. This article just sort of gives a glimpse into the life I lead. Just a small glimpse. I could add humor in some shocking things people say, believe, and expect. I could also add ways in which my life is immeasurably enriched.

If you care to know your pastor's wife a bit more, have a read. 

If you are a pastor's wife, you are certainly not alone.

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/10-things-woman-married-pastors-know/

Images from Joshua Tree National Park, spring bloom

They thought I was taking a picture of the small scorpion, when in actually it was their hands together that I found captivating. Jon and Michael

~Katherine

Lifelong Resolution

New Year's Day 2019~

Someone was in a silly mood...

Only in California can you go from temperate coastal to snowy mountain pass to arid desert, all in a relatively short car ride.

Our car rides are interrupted by car sickness and other needs...

We never regret venturing off the main drag...

Not exactly mountain climbing boots.

Jack was the sick one this time. Thumbs up for feeling better.

The Salton Sea~

Otherworldly.

Abandoned.

Desolate.

Ghostly.

And a sort of playground for the imagination...

King of a bygone trophy.

>:<

It's raining tonight. The sound in our quiet house is soothing, but I'm so, so cold. Something happened to me here in California and I don't do cold very well anymore.

I've got two kids at youth group, one upstairs studying for a final tomorrow, one in Canada, and Jon is clear across the country. With the rain and the quiet, it seems a perfect time to write out a few words. I guess the blog will live to grow by one more post. You never know these days.

Resolutions. Do people actually make and keep resolutions? I wonder what are the actual stats. I'm all for resolutions as long as they are uncomplicated, specific, and very flexible. I thought about resolutions in December, and even implemented one that I thought would be good. I figured I may as well get warmed up so that by January I'd be all set to go. My culinary resolution this year is to try a new dish each week that incorporates a new method, ingredient, or flavor combination. I've been in a rut and I want to up my culinary game a bit. Other resolutions implemented before January include simple core strength training every day and daily words of affirmation spoken to loved ones.

According to Google, a resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something. I thought about all the normal resolutions people make, even considered some pretty strict promises myself: daily exercise, zero refined sugar for a year, sex every day, 365 photo project... I'm really curious to know what would happen (if only I could keep such promises) because there's almost always a ripple effect to our big commitments.

In the end, though, I think resolutions miss the point. Strict rules kill the joy of the process. Rules are burdensome and take away from the sincerity and purpose of the act.

I far prefer lifestyle choices over resolutions. That's what works for me. I typically have very specific goals I am working on in order to build upon a lifestyle choice. I envision something that is difficult to attain (outside of my present ability, reality, or comfort zone) and decide on manageable goals to integrate into my routine. Once those goals are reached or part of my normal rhythm, I add to them. This seems far more manageable to me than a strict resolution, and I don't have to wait till January to begin!

Aside from resolutions, lifestyle choices, and goals, there was a passage that stood out to me around the time the new year began. It comes from Romans 4:20 where Paul describes Abraham's faith. I adapted the pronouns when I wrote out the verse in my journal for the opening up of 2019~

"But she grew strong in her faith as she gave glory to God,

fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised."

May this be said of me some day. It's my lifelong resolution and my daily prayer. My faith will increase as a fruit of his Spirit while I give glory to God with resolve, intentionality, and increased skill and comfort. There is both a discipline of my mind, heart, words, and actions in glorifying God, AND a work that God does within my heart despite me. My giving glory to him will be the visible representation of my faith in God to do what he has promised: He will be unmistakably God, King of kings, steadfast in character, true to his word, ever loving and merciful to me till the end.

We are told to "Draw near to God and he will draw near to us." This speaks of partnership. I cannot ask God to increase my faith while I stand back and do nothing. (In the same way, I can't expect God to work the magic of cellular change within my body which result in better health and physical strength if I sit back and do nothing.) There is partnership, dual responsibility and promise keeping.

In this partnership, I find God to be the God of relationship. That's pretty magnificent... and worthy of praise! Imagine that! Relationship with God! May I be proclaiming his unfathomable goodness all of my days!

~Katherine

Easter 2017

So Easter happened. I saw lots of happy family pictures posted on social media, all pretty in Easter Sunday best. I didn't take one of my crew. For a fleeting moment I thought of taking a couple shots, but I really wasn't into imposing that on us. The boys would have grumbled, Jon would have accepted the interruption though his focus was intently on the sermon, and I was wearing a dress I've worn for 8 years or so. Blah. Olivia looked cute, that I did notice.

But Easter picture wouldn't do one single thing to prepare my heart for the significance of Christ's resurrection, and really, that's what I wanted most.

I had made some Easter plans as an attempt to make the day stand out from the rest. We had a special breakfast together, and preparations were made to have several families from church for the day. Oh, and the egg toss which has become something the kids look forward to now. I never really know what the plan is any more. I've tried to become flexible enough in my hosting to include more people than anticipated. I want holidays to be celebratory and inclusive.

Yeah, but an Easter menu and a decorated table and laughter over splattered eggs doesn't equate true celebration. This I know and feel.

I didn't grow up with particularly festive holidays and we didn't have many traditions. As frequently happens, people grow up and decide they want to do differently from how they were brought up. I am sure my kids will look back and decide that they don't want to repeat certain things I've done. This is to be expected. For me, though, one thing I wanted to do differently were holidays and celebrations. I wanted family traditions and festive celebrations. I've had to work at this, learning the how-to of hosting and preparing for such occasions. I have seen that my efforts have enriched our family life, but I've also grown acutely aware that special days of worship can turn into distracted days of human tradition and entertainment.

This isn't worship. Yes, I want days like Resurrection Sunday to stand out as being special, but I desire this to come from humble hearts of gratefulness and true worship. We should be able to do this  regardless of the menu and decor and entertainment. I want to learn how to do this.

In the car today, I told the boys that every single day my desire is to communicate to them just how wonderful God is. In a big huge way I want them to know this... To taste and see that the Lord is good.

But I don't have the words. I told them I fail at communicating what my heart longs to say, longs for them to know. So despite my difficulty, I pray daily that the Lord's face would shine on us, that we would know him, that our eyes would be opened to the Truth that changes hearts and lives.

I want every cell of my body, and the entirety of my soul to be oriented to God and to know him for who he really is... and then to be able to express it appropriately.

But I find myself stuck, distracted, wayward, and stone-like at times.

Then Easter comes and all I want is for my mind and heart to truly celebrate. And I'm unable to do so beyond surface type praise.

This side of eternity, I will not be able to fully grasp the depth of my sin or the vastness of Christ's love and sacrifice. I won't fully understand the significance of his resurrection with my finite heart and mind. It's too wonderful for me.

In the car ride today, I encouraged the boys once again to go before God in complete honesty. If they don't believe, they should tell him so. He already knows it, and there is no use pretending with him. If they don't love him, they should ask that he would change their heart. I told them that sin will happen. It just will. The good news is that God always forgives. The proud, unrepentant heart, however, is to be feared. We ought to pray that God would orient us toward him... because we cannot do it on our own.

I tell God I don't love and worship as I should. I tell him I want to, but I need his help. I hope this humility, though terribly small in terms of gifts or expression of thanksgiving, is pleasing to Him. He knows my heart and how it needs to be sanctified.

He promises to do it, and his word is always sure. He resurrected, just as he said he would, and  he will surely return. Then I will know true worship.

>>:<<

We had a wonderful spring break last week. We were able to get away as a family for a few days and enjoy this season of our lives. We went through Santa Barbara, our get-away town during the years we lived in L.A., and we recreated the very first picture I posted on this blog. You can see the original picture HERE. 

~Katherine

A Downer Post? Not Really, Just Life.

How's that for a title? I never wanted this blog to be about proper form and perfection, so I'm going with it.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving was a perfect day for sitting on the beach while the boys played. I was tired from an eventful week of cooking and hosting (add to that an oven that stopped working), and the boys were eager to get out of doors. The sky was dark and moody as a storm moved eastward. I appreciated this change of scenery, too, as I rested all bundled up on the shore. I read and journaled, thought and prayed. I have sensed an uneasiness within as I've tried to sort through struggles and deep questions that I suppose only God can sort through with me. I am thankful He doesn't leave me to fix myself alone. I only wish the fixing would take place quicker, with less pain.

>>:<<

A week later, I sat in the receding afternoon sunlight, my shoulders tense despite the warm balm of our California atmosphere surrounding me. Stealing away to the backyard was an option I should have taken sooner. Tears rolled into the fabric of my sweater, hot, round, and steady. Obligation, expectation, duty weighed heavy; exhaustion, inability, and disappointment constantly defined my days. And self-pity. Ugly, destructive self-pity that never, ever leads to good.

I strive to be a worshiper of God and a lover of people, with my heart set on eternity. I long for this posture of heart and disposition of the will to define my life. Despite that, again and again, I stray in one wrong direction or another. Yet, if there is ever any good that would come from repeated failure on my part and the sin of self-pity, it is that my constant need for my Savior is brought to the forefront once again... and then repentance and the restoration of a right spirit.

And really, is there a better time than the Christmas season to be stretched, humbled, and then broken again if the result is renewed humility, recognition of my desperate need of Christ, and gratefulness and praise for His humiliation and sacrifice on my behalf? Such great love for this unworthy recipient can only be understood by divine comprehension. Oh, but praise be to God!

“The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.”

1 Timothy 1:15

>>:<<

When the storms roll in and when life feels weighty, I look to the details and search for beauty of all sorts. Sometimes I don't need to look further than the kitchen window.

The novelty of droplets of water captured me...

And a flower brought to me by my man-sized boy.

Experimentation with light coming through and reflecting in the kitchen window continued to entertain me that night, and it broke up the monotony of a week spent on a few square feet of kitchen tile.  

>>:<<

Christmas tradition:

Some have come sort of accidentally, while others have been more purposeful. Mostly, our traditions are simple things we do (or eat!) that are special to us and bring us together in anticipation each year, all the while forging familial bonds and making deposits of memories that communicate affection and intentionality long into the future. Or at least I hope for such a result.

However, tradition is just empty form and obligation if it distracts from loving God and loving others. If we become a sort of slave to tradition, and if our kids have a sense of entitlement, all good meaning goes awry and the purpose is defeated. I have sensed a need to de-prioritize tradition this year, maybe even let some go. I have already felt a freedom from the burden and distraction as a result of this decision.

>>:<<

I sat in church today in our usual front row pew. I'm not a front-row-sitter by nature, but I sit there to be with my husband-pastor while he isn't behind the pulpit. I'd rather just blend in, unnoticed, somewhere in the middle. And I like to people watch, too, which I cannot do from the front row! Interestingly, I have found that front row sitting has done some good things for me over the years. It's a small way among many in which God has taught me that my life is not about my preferences, that sitting next to my husband in actual and figurative ways is good, and that my mind and heart are better able to worship without other people to look at. So I'm thankful for front row sitting.

But today... it was really tough. Distractions from within plagued me while we sang and prayed. My mind thought about all the things I needed to do this week, about persistent sadness and what-ifs, about an event we are hosting next weekend... the menu, the guests, the decorations, the rearranging of furniture... 

If only I could be free of my wandering mind. The freedom and ability to worship fully, sincerely, and undistracted is something I look forward to experiencing someday in glory.

>:<

If this post should end with some sort of summation (if I am going to bend to some sort of form after all), it is that I long for this Christmas season to be rich with meaning and authentic worship. In all the real and perceived obligation, expectation, and duty, I pray that I would be found drawing ever nearer to God in wonder and thanksgiving. I pray that in Him I would find my truest joy and rest, and that through His strength and by His grace I may sincerely love those around me with a love that reflects the love of Christ.


~Katherine