September Trip- 2019

For a while today a heavy ocean fog swept inland, sending fingerings of white clouds streaming over roofs and palm trees towards us. Michael grabbed his camera and took an opportunity for a study break, while I looked on from my workspace thinking about fall. For a moment it felt a bit fall-ish, even though the temperatures here are only rising this week, while dry SoCal winds are picking up and fires are raging. But for that moment I let the imagined feelings of autumn linger. 

Crisp temps, colors, scents, sweaters, apples, lakes and rivers, cool city streets, rain.

Of course, I began to miss my family, my native land, and my mother tongue. 

When I uploaded pictures to my computer yesterday, I came across this file from a visit to my sister's one year ago this month. Jacob and I had traveled home for my youngest brother's wedding. I had the distinct pleasure of helping prepare for the ceremony and reception with my sister. Working like this with her was an experience I relished, one I've not had opportunity to experience much with family because of geographical distance. 

Jacob, on the other hand, loved being the oldest cousin for once among a small gang of boys.

My camera lay largely packed away because it was a busy week of work and visit, and the fact that Jacob and I lost a full day stranded in Michigan meant the work was extra focused. (It was yet another tale of travel mishaps that no longer surprise me... lightning storm and flooding, missed connection, lost luggage, no vacancies, seedy motel, stolen credit card, little sleep. Still worth it, though, hands down.)

I did capture a few moments anyway. Below, the old airplane tire swing that was ours when I was little.

Obviously, Tante Katherine needed to swing with the boys, too!

I enjoyed catching up with extended family as well, even meeting many new family members, like spouses of cousins. I think the last time we saw each other would have been at my grandmother's funeral, nearly 10 years ago. (Images of that trip HERE.)

It was a simple and beautiful wedding for these two in our town's covered bridge over the Gatineau River. The funny reality is that I met my brother's wife for the first time only after the ceremony! Things like that are definitely not perks to living far away!

(Image not mine)

There was a smaller, more intimate reception for family the following morning. Here is my mom with four girls now. (Left to right: My sister, Melissa; my newest SIL, Dale; my mom, my Maman; my SIL, Melanie; and me)

And the gang of boy cousins... My two older boys were missing, obviously, and now we have a brand new baby boy born this summer. I couldn't decide between the two pictures: the one above was their own pose, and the one below was how they repositioned when someone suggested moving in close. Both show a group of really wonderful guys!

A short hike in the Gatineau Park was a real treat for me. My old stomping ground...

Lookout and, er, old make-out point!

And then, once again and far too soon, homebound. We've long been accustomed to lengthy airport wait times and layovers, but how wonderful it was just to flash a passport at customs instead of a visa with an alien number. I do feel like a real lucky girl to have two homes I love!

It's been nearly three years since Jon and my older boys have flown home, and Covid regulations don't make it very hopeful that we'll get there anytime soon. Nonetheless, a trip back through pictures did me some good today. 

And as a bonus, this little blog lives on for another post...

~Katherine

A Summer Summation

I'm just briefly dropping in to declare how thoroughly I am enjoying the summer. I will never pretend to have a perfect life (how boring that would be anyway!), but there are noteworthy things that make me grateful at every bend. Even the hot, sultry heat we had is worthy of thanksgiving; there's something so wonderful about stripping off a few items of clothing after an arduous and sweaty run and taking a plunge in the pool. I'll admit it's slightly indecent, and I never would have broken so many rules of proper conduct before, but - ah! - how freeing! And then when the temps change and cool down, how appreciative we are for restful nights once more.

My kids are all at such fun stages! Okay, it's true I've always said this, but I've always meant it with the utmost sincerity. Every stage has been my favorite. Here are just a few things that have stood out recently:

*There is an added hilarity to a boy's jokes when his voice is changing and cracking. I look at him and marvel at the person he is morphing into. Also, I am frequently alarmed by the sound of a man's voice coming from the boys' bedroom! Oh yeah, it's just my Andrew.

*I white-knuckled my first few rides as the passenger in a vehicle driven by Michael. I'm pretty proud of myself, though, for maintaining normal speaking and breathing patterns despite my distress. Teen drivers make me feel super young with adrenaline, and super old for having teen drivers.

*I had a late night talk with my boys about girls and crushes that made me gush with joy! Wait, what?! He's telling me this? What a privilege.

*A text that reads "I love you" from a son sailing way out in the Pacific while I'm way up in the Rockies is something worth savoring.

*Kitchen work is most pleasant with my girl who cracks jokes and makes me laugh because life is so good and funny.

*Kids that say, "Thanks, Mom, for doing this for us," when in truth I am equally loving all the trips to the beach, sleepovers, ice cream stops, and get-togethers.

*Reuniting. And lingering conversations around the barn wood table long after plates are cleared, while the setting sun and balmy ocean breeze amplify the magical ambiance of the moment.

*Watching a brother-sister bear hug after a time away is pretty rad.

And marriage? Well, I'm pretty sure it just gets better with time. Seasoned. And in many ways we get to relive our younger years before our babies came because we are too young to have kids beginning to fly the coup. We'll ring in 21 years tomorrow, the age of adulthood. For the record, I plan on us living a bit like we're in our twenties for the the next decade!

Jon and I sat across from each other on our overnight getaway and marveled, a bit teary eyed, at the goodness of God expressed in the people he has blessed us with through this marriage. We don't take this gift casually, this gift of raising and loving our children. It has all been so wonderful.

Tonight we are all back under one roof again, now that my boys are back from New Mexico. They clocked their ride from door to door at about 26 hours each way, mainly by bus. But by all accounts it was entirely worth it, and it is a thrill to hear them tell of the things they enjoyed the most. A testimony of God's saving work and the resulting transformation in the life of their small group leader seemed to have made an enormous impact. How grateful I am. I prayed fervently for God to give them sensitive spirits that are open to His love and transforming power, and eager for His forgiveness and invitation to relationship. This, I am sure, will be a life-long prayer, but it will always be marked with thanksgiving to a God who delights to save.

Olivia wrapped up an amazing 6-month internship today at a marketing firm, and we are now transitioning to getting her ready to move into a dorm in a few short weeks. The days we have left will all be savored in their entirety, even though I can only aspire to fully enter her joy and excitement.


~Katherine

Alien Thanksgiving No More

So this happened. No more Alien Number, no more non-citizen status, no more interviews and border interrogations, no more visas, no more renewing papers, no more wondering what to do if denied.

Jon and I have been granted citizenship.

We celebrated "American Thanksgiving" as actual Americans this year. In typical fashion, we filled our home with brothers and sisters in Christ and created a festive environment, all the while missing the feeling and familiarity of holidays with family. Some fine day I'd sure love for my kids to enjoy a Canadian Thanksgiving with extended family. I am sure, though, that the tradition of celebrating with all sorts of people will become precious to them in years to come.

All six of us have dual citizenship now. Our immigration years with all the hidden ways we have been affected are actually priceless to me. Our status, our limitations, our increased worldview and collection of experiences, our fight to establish ourselves and to create a sense of belonging despite the many ways we didn't belong... these have all added to the fabric of our story.

Being a first generation immigrant is yet another way I am different, and I do like different! But I also really love to belong.

Now I do belong and for this I give thanks.

~Katherine

Annual Donut Dip

So school has started and I’m tired already! The new schedule has kept us moving all day and into the evening, adjusting to early mornings is hard for us non-morning people, and I’ve taken up a running schedule for another race this fall. I remind myself that education and the ability to work hard are a privilege, so I am embracing this shift once again. Oh, and play is a privilege with remarkable benefits, so I am working that into our weeks as well.

We had our third annual donut dip on Monday before the school day started. No one needed to be anywhere till the ten o’clock hour, so we had a bit of time to ease into the week’s obligations. Jon was even able to join our escapade for the first time.

As this new-ish tradition goes, we head out in the morning at the end of summer for donuts and an early morning dip in the sea. No wetsuits or fanfare allowed. We get up and go.

With bed heads and sleepy eyes, we go straight into the morning fog and the Pacific waves to welcome a new school year together. A box of donuts makes it cheery and celebratory. (Michael opted to stay dry and warm, which worked out for me 'cause now I have pictures.)

Jacob didn't wait for his gang. He was the first one in while the rest of us took a moment for our sugar high to kick in!

A sugar high makes us do fun things...

In my opinion, this is a happy way to mark new beginnings.

Or just to start the day...

>>:<<

We are currently in the middle of a heat wave. It hasn’t been too bad for us on the coast, but I’ve still spent the better part of two days in swimwear: swimwear to work by the pool yesterday afternoon, then swimwear under a dress at Andrew’s practice, swimwear to drive across town to pick up others from various locations (wishing I’d changed), swimwear in the kitchen making an easy dinner, swimwear for a night run into the ocean with the kids, and wet swimwear again in the car as Olivia racks up her last few night driving hours before her driving test. I’m in swimwear again today ‘cause it’s forecasted to be the hottest day yet.

Here are a couple quick pictures one of my younger boys snapped before heading out for orientation and packet pickups at our charter high school last week. Guess who wasn’t looking forward to this event?

Two in high school now. One is taking half her course load at the community college. This strikes me as surreal.

I have been praying much about what it means to parent teens. This is not a responsibility and privilege I take lightly.

I don’t want to be Mommy to them. Our relationship must not be what it once was, where I  primarily protected them, made decisions for them, and provided necessary control in their lives. Those days need to be passing. They have past. Mommy instincts can be quite strong though; my desire to bring them up into independent, capable, and confident individuals doesn’t come by way of coddling or through over-protection and mistrust, so emotional reaction must be tempered with thoughtful and prayerful dependence on God. A more mature, faith-filled motherhood is needed now, because parenting well will come by letting them go out to practice what they’ve learned up until now, claiming belief as their own, and understanding that we all learn through failures and successes.

Mostly, we learn from our failures.

I am learning to have enough humility to embrace failure, to see that healthy individuality and the expression of gifts and strengths is a process, sometimes more like a journey on a bumpy road. I want to give my kids the freedom to become who God designed them to be, freedom to step out and discover a life that is their own. It will look different from mine, it will look different from what I might guess, maybe different from what I hope for. But they are not here for me. My kids are not projects for me to turn out according to my pre-determined plan. They are not here to satisfy me, or to bestow upon me accolades. They are not here to mirror me... not my ideas, dreams, beliefs, plans, or anything else.

I don’t want to impose on them emotional dependency, the kind that communicates without words that my happiness or their success is dependent on them pleasing me or measuring up to some standards of performance. My love for them is not dependent upon their behavior, their grades, or the degree to which they can please me. This is a type of emotional abuse that brings about adults that are emotionally stifled, that don’t make and own their decisions (or the outcomes of those decisions).

And yet, these kiddos of mine are teens and not yet adults. Contrary to what many parents in our society do, this is not a time to remove all input and hope for the best. No, it’s a time to press in relationally. Control is no longer the primary factor in parenting, but influence through compassionate, humble, persistent, and accepting friendship.

How do I do this? How do I let go AND press in?

I am asking the Lord to show me daily. I know that he will supply for all of my needs, that he has promised to guide, and he will grant the grace I need for each day, each moment, each circumstance, each question, each trial, each failure.

I remind my kids frequently of their individual worth, that they were created by a loving God whose expressed will it is for them to belong to him forever through salvation. I tell them they were lovingly and uniquely designed with a purpose for living, that their lives are meaningful and precious. I remind them as well of their responsibility and position before Holy God, that there is hope and freedom for living fully now and in the life to come.

This hope and freedom is not of me or through me or because of me. Only God. This is clear to a believing mom, but practically speaking, many don’t live this out in relation to their kids. Many of us stay stuck in the little years, parenting in a way that holds our children back and demands allegiance to ourselves rather than to God.

My love is strong for my kids, but that love cannot be the focus of our relationship. The vast and unimaginably deep love of God must be OUR focus and hope.

Because… the fullness of all things are made complete in Him alone.


~Katherine

Snowbirds and Flying

February past by like a flash. It is a shorter month in terms of total days, but from the perspective of mid-March it seems to have lasted the length of a dream. It's like I know it was there, and I remember a few details... but what happened again?

Nonetheless, here are some special things to recall tonight. Most notable were the winter snowbirds visiting from Canada: My sister's family of five and my youngest brother.

February may be a fine time to leave our frozen homeland, but California didn't deliver it's usual golden days of sunshine. 

My nephew learning to skim board with my boys. He fit right in.

#25- The monkey-est of them all!  ;)

Learning to fly. 

"The one who falls and gets up is stronger than the one who never fell..." So true. 

Fly, even if the risk of falling is great.

And hooray for moms of boys who do tons of catching, picking up, brushing off, bandaging, kissing, and sending off again~ 

literally and figuratively!

Andrew's attempt at catching a seagull. He lays food on his belly while he hides under the towels, and Olivia sits nearby to coach his timing. It has worked in the past, but he was unsuccessful this time despite his patience.

Exploring tide pools

Jacob being the protective big cousin.

Curly-headed beauty

I sincerely appreciated the visit of my family. But, let me just say it in the most simple and honest terms: We are a fractured family. I'm tired of trying to remember my life as all roses, birds, and butterflies. There were beautiful aspects to be sure, but I am coming to the realization that my whole story is important. The entirety of it. My story has intention, meaning, and significance because all of it was ordained. Though I may never share fully, I don't need to be ashamed and held captive.

I want freedom from shame, freedom from past pain, freedom from a sort of bondage. I want freedom from the damage, some of which is so very hard to shake. My desire is not to forget, but to bravely look into the dark chapters and humbly receive God's mercy through it all.

I left home well before I left my teenage years, and I am just now discovering the wonder of sibling relationship in my adult life. Somehow it had nearly become lost, each of us simply focusing on our own existence and survival, and perhaps threatened by our different responses to our situation. It has been said that the first 40 years of childhood are the hardest. I think we can all attest to that. So here we find ourselves: talking honestly, pushing into new territory, learning anew. Learning, as it were, to fly.

Last month my brother and I sat in my kitchen late into the night talking. It's amazing that, though years and distance and differences have separated us, we are so very much alike. In ways we cannot be understood by others, we are discovering that we understand each other in very intimate ways. We have been affected in similar ways, suffered the same. Talking has been helpful, motivating me to get up and out from under weight I'd simply become used to carrying. I'm so grateful for honest resolutions to learn to know and love each other more authentically than ever before.

This is a mercy from God springing forth.

>>:<<

The pictures above are the only ones I took last month, so I decided to include a few more from my phone. Plain, simple, everyday life happens, well, every single day! Regular days are notable in their own unique way too, and it might just be that that my phone is becoming the handy collector of images that would otherwise fade if only stored in my mind.

Olivia and I spend many hours a week watching the boys play. Usually we are cold, sometimes we are wet, usually tired, always entertained. We literally run and drive fast to get from one game to the next.

The boys never seem to be as cold as we are, but they are always more dirty and sore.

And then this happened... She is behind the wheel... learning to "fly!"

And so this is how we roll. I've taught her nearly everything else up until now, so I'm pretty sure I can do this too. I promise not to gasp out loud, to slam on the imaginary break on the passenger side, or to hold my hands out over the dash!  

But please, dear Jesus, ride with us!

And finally me, figuring out my limits. They are there (of that I am well aware!) but I've preferred to live in a way that pushes against my limitations. I'm not really competitive by nature - not in the typical sense - but rather I have an impulse to push against challenges (not people). I've succeeded in wrecking my foot just three weeks before the race I've been training for. I guess I did too much too soon. This week and the last are supposed to be my peek training weeks, and I'm absolutely unable to run. It could be a stress fracture, I dunno. So I'm biking the hills of my neighborhood on my three-speed beach cruiser. It's almost a joke as far as training goes, but I'm still hopeful I'll be able to run again soon. I'm also pretty discouraged. I don't like to be limping around on an uncooperative foot.

It was so beautiful on my Saturday ride. Absolutely gorgeous. These are the times my spirit just soars when I revel in the beauty of life. This, too, is a mercy from God!

~Katherine