Simple Wonderment

Cooler temperatures and rain swept in last evening, replacing hot and dry Santa Ana winds. It seems appropriate with the holidays just around the corner. I guess it's time to "winterize" and cozy up. I won't complain!

Just two more days and schools will be out for a week, and we couldn't be more pleased. We've been impatient for change. Michael and I drove up to L.A. the last two weekends - I spent time with Olivia while he caught up with friends. Let me just say that driving through Southern California cities in weekend traffic with a student driver is one of the most terrifying things ever. I'm not sure if my heart is stronger or weaker after about 10 hours of pretending I wasn't near death. But I do what I gotta do for my kids, and now Michael has built up more driving experience and I've provided a way for him to build and maintain some good friendships. 

I came across these pictures a few days ago as I waited on Michael in the car, sorting through images in a dark community college parking lot. Several weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon, Michael called from the bottom of the stairs saying we should go see the sunset. We both grabbed our cameras and arrived just as the sun was slipping below the horizon. It was a bit too late for the particular sights we hoped to see and pictures we hoped to take, but I'll take any time chasing beauty with my kids. Truly, it thrills me to no end.

He turned and gave me permission to take his picture, and I went and messed it up. So here's a dark silhouette of my tall guy.

He had a long day of school today - 12 hrs. since he left home this morning. I arrived a couple minutes early at the train stop, and in the dark I could see him step off the train with his vintage camera strapped around his neck. We share a common interest in photography, only his is so much more interesting than mine. While I only use a regular old DSLR, he has begun collecting and experimenting with vintage film cameras. It's cool to hear him describe the things he is learning, and so fun to see him immerse himself into a world of vintage-style images. He tells me about things like WW2 Russian lenses, artistic development processes, photojournalism laws, and the repurposing of antique film. He is learning things I've never even dreamed of learning and I find it fascinating to see how intuitive the science behind photography is to him. 

Anyway, since I had a moment to post a few pictures and a few words, I did. I typically feel like I should have more insightful things to write when I come to this space, but I've missed effortless posting of simple pleasures in life. I've recently taken some time to look back over the years of my blog journals; it has been interesting to see how my themes and purposes in writing have changed. It somewhat struck me that I no longer have a carefree ease of finding beauty AND writing about it.

So this post is for the simple purpose of celebrating and remembering the wonderment of my people and the blessings all around. Cheers to that!

~Katherine

December 2018

When most people have long since posted their Christmas pictures and New Year's resolutions, I'm reaching back to the beginning of December. I maintain that late is better than never.

There was a line that swirled around my head all month, words of a carol that enveloped my heart in occasions of quiet.

"Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth"

Yes, the soul felt its worth because the Lord came to save. His love establishes our worth, makes us precious, makes us whole. What a marvelous truth to grasp, or at least endeavor to comprehend and simply receive. I guess I'd glossed over the words in times past, but this year I was gripped by them repeatedly. Over and over, the words captured my thoughts: "and the soul felt its worth." To feel is far more powerful than to merely know.

December was fabulous: Parts were fabulous in celebration and parts were fabulously hard. I am committed to seeing and remembering the good while learning from our trials, so I will dwell mostly on the good parts today. I pondered the more difficult aspects before the Lord, and speak of them carefully with those closest to me, confident that good will always emerge.

December is for parties of all kinds, especially birthdays. Although Andrew's birthday is at the end of November, he celebrated with friends a week later. (The power went out that night and we spent the bulk of our time iceskating, so I have limited pictures on my DSLR.)

Fourteen years for Andrew. He's doing life well. He is hard-working, entrepreneurial, disciplined, kind. In the car this morning, he told me how yesterday's sermon from Psalm 90 helped him to further understand God's eternality and the immeasurable grace of his forgiveness. I have so much to be thankful for.

A Sunday morning "birthday" picture, below~

This one makes me smile. The placement of his hand is proof that the early teen years are awkward, a time of growing comfortable in how one projects himself to the public. Is it OK to show affection to your mother? Naturally and regularly affectionate, his uneasiness humors me. I am reminded that we are in a season where both my understanding and affirmation are important in his development. (Evidently, I forgot to stand straight and suck in, which says something about how much I care about my "image projection" these days!)

December is for Michael. Sixteen on the 16th.

His slender frame is 6'3" tall. It has become a near impossible task to find clothes that fit. We have to choose between length or width/waist.

The Friday before his birthday, I had arranged to secretly drop off a bunch of cupcakes with one of his friends at school. As luck would have it, it turned out to be a combined lunch hour (all grades) AND open mic. The whole school sang Happy Birthday.

We drove up the coast for a late birthday lunch after church on the 16th, then took in the vast ocean views from the hills before heading back for him to meet up with friends at the theater.

He is beautiful to me. He will be a wonderful adventure for a special someone to discover some day. He is an interesting mix of extroversion and introversion. He is well-liked at school, humorous, and fascinating if he allows you in. He is understated in his skills and abilities, and a wealth of random facts. Things that are unclear to me tend to be so obvious to him. And, if I'm honest, he remains my "wild card." He is the child that leaves me searching, wondering what's on the inside, surprised by what emerges; he keeps me on my knees, sending up flares for prayers, and dangerously more like myself than not.

These days are going by too fast. To those in the infant, toddler, and pre-school years, be aware of the brevity of time now. And if your season is in the bickering middle years, or the smelly pre-teen years, or the precarious teens, endeavor to enjoy each stage dearly. I promise you won't regret it.

December in California is for pomegranates. I was thankful for some regular days of regular home life, afternoon sunlight, a superfood of ruby-colored jewels, and a son who enjoys listening to literature while helping out his mom. I paid him $1 for each pomegranate he seeded, even though he ate a ton.

This December was especially for "lasts." The month is the last of the year, of course, but it marked many other lasts for me. Would this be the last time for the whole family to gather together in the living room to decorate the tree? Probably yes.

It was also probably the last time all four kids accompany me to the tree lot.

We picked out a lovely tree with a wonky top, making it hard to hold the heavy star, but at least we were all to blame for our selection. It took a couple attempts with Jacob atop Jon's shoulders; finally we pulled up chairs to climb up and fasten it. It still gave me grief all season!

Another last: Olivia's last morning departure for her last high school final. I chose to smile past the lump in my throat.

Jacob and I foraged for evergreens and pinecones together. Andrew had more interesting things to do, and I suspect this might be the last year Jacob tags along as I search for Christmas decor. We pitched and bowled the pinecones into the bag before racing to the party store to buy Olivia's graduation balloons.

A short word about reality... December has traditionally proven to be a season of trial in this household, and burn-out has marked us repeatedly. Ministry was never meant to be an easy way of life, so why should we be surprised? Still, we are broadsided at times. We are thankful for some personal time of respite to regroup, reconnect, refocus, exhale, and strategize for a new beginning. (My short word is over.)

Christmas Eve family games~

Christmas morning waiting~

To me, the face of the giver is just as wonderful as the face of the receiver...

One of my gifts: an engraved brass plate for my preacher-husband's pulpit.

Andrew took it upon himself to fill everyone's stockings. He packed them with Coca-Cola bottles, treats and snacks, gift cards, and carefully selected personal gifts. He's claimed the stockings for next year.

This was the last picture on my camera for the year~

Here's to looking at the new year with big, expectant eyes. May our "lasts" toast cheerfully with "new beginnings" like good friends gathered for New Years.

New beginnings. Let that wash over you with joy.


~Katherine

Acceptance

Monday morning greeted me far too early with a buzzing phone on my dresser across the room and a bizarre dream I couldn't shake no matter how often I got up to quiet my notifications. A squirrel was biting hard onto my finger and wouldn't let go, and no one would help me despite the fact that mysterious surveillance cameras had been set up in our house. As if Monday on its own wasn't distressing enough.

Olivia came in as I was recovering from my confusion. She was returning some borrowed clothes to my closet and asked it she could wear my new skirt. I love that she does this, and I love that we can wear each other's things. Sometimes I wonder if this means I dress too young, but most times I just don't care anymore. I do want to find that balance between dressing according to my preferences and body type, and dressing normal for my age. I suppose this goes for a lot of things, including behavior and choice of activity. If I'm going to err on one side of the balance, though, I think it's toward free-spiriting it. I've spent far too much of myself and my time pointlessly trying to meet expectation and shoving away myself. Maybe it's more accurate to say that now I want to find the balance between living freely and not appearing mid-life crisis-y!

It has been said that you spend your first forty years trying to become what you've been told you should be, and the next forty years undoing what you became in order to discover who it is you were meant to be all along. Maybe this is true. At least now I'm on the side where freedom grows. What a relief!

Later in the morning Michael and I talked about piercings. He has offered to buy me a tattoo.  (Let me just say I absolutely love this about my relationship with my son.)

After brushing my teeth and getting ready to run Jacob and Andrew to school, I stretched my shoulders and upper back in the door frame and then practiced my handstand. I'm still working on holding it steady; I'd also love to regain long lost flexibility in my spine to hold a pretty backbend. It may take me a while, but I'll get it. Why is this my goal? Because I want the joy of movement and freedom to enjoy life well as long as possible. Also, I love a good challenge.

Sometimes I do grown-up things, too. I do some things I want to do and some things I don't, because loving well requires both. Loving well is sometimes more of a challenge than backbends with scoliosis of the spine.

Truly, my greatest desire is to love well. Simply, to love God and to love others is the pursuit of my life. Learning just to accept who God made others to be and who I am in Him is all a part of this pursuit. Just accepting the gift of people and the gift of relationship - without demand to be what we're not, without resentment, without reservation. Just accepting individuality, feelings, preferences, thoughts, opinions, and so on. I think this acceptance is a huge, huge part of loving well, because acceptance is the opposite of rejection.

Rejection comes in so many forms; it can be veiled in well-intentioned sounding excuses, or cloaked in false spirituality. But rejection is never loving well. No one ever feels loved when they detect rejection. Furthermore, no one can love others well if they are in rejection of their own personhood, who God made them to be. "Love your neighbor as yourself." In this fallen world, this doesn't presuppose that we love ourselves perfectly. Love the way you need to be loved.

Truly loving, freely and wholly, is only in the absence of all rejection, because this is how we are loved by God. We get to just come as we are, over and over again.

>:<

Monday ended with a late night walk by the ocean with Michael and Olivia. The night was cool, the beach deserted, and we just walked shoulder-to-shoulder, talking, listening. Mostly I just listened and resisted talking much. I took in the sounds of hopes and dreams, plans, thoughts. I accepted and received, and tried to simply love well.

>:<

I've not been great at picking up my camera. It's getting harder to capture life as it is now with a house full of teens. Nearly gone are the days when my camera pointed in the direction of my kids went unnoticed. I'm sympathetic to that, even though I long to continue documenting these wonderful days we are still living.

The following images are from last October.

Homecoming 2018

friends

endless play

 height comparison

my loves

(lump in my throat)

more friends

memorable times

~Katherine

A Fleeting Moment

If my life is a mere breath, here today and gone tomorrow, then what are these few, short, fleeting years I have with my kids?

Tomorrow we celebrate Michael's 15th birthday. Those 15 years have past far too quickly. On a day like today, it is hard not to look back and think about those years that are gone.

Psalm 90 made a huge impression on me as a young married in my early 20's. I was just beginning to search and pray for understanding regarding motherhood, almost desperately trying to understand God's design in comparison to cultural norms, and untangling all my misunderstanding and courageously face selfish desires. Babies were already in the picture, and the struggle for understanding and acceptance of truth was daily. "Who am I, and what am I doing with my life?" was my persistent question.

There is a real struggle in death, especially when we are called daily to the death of self. In the dying, though, I found the desire to live for something greater than my own present happiness. I saw that in the daily dying there was taking root a greater purpose for life than me, and I began to see the work of my life as something greater than the culmination of my days on earth. Through passages like Psalm 90, I began to see I can choose to live with eternity in daily view, knowing that life is a momentary breath while eternity stands, well, forever. It's not something we can afford to gloss over.

As a new mother, I began to understand that my life has eternal implications, and the work of my days will influence the eternal soul of my children. The Spirit used Ps. 90:12 in a particularly affecting way:

"So teach us to number our days

    that we may get a heart of wisdom."

If I am to be wise, then, I must look to the Lord for instruction rather than to the ways of the world. I must ask God to show me life as it is, not as it appears. These days are like a breath, a vapor, a dream. They are numbered. But they will count forever.

>:<

Several months ago, Michael and I spent some time at the botanic gardens. It was a rare time for just the two of us. A special time, really. I'm not sure where his interest began, but Michael has a peculiar fascination with plants. It was a pleasure for me to peruse the gardens with him. His knowledge regarding plants is fascinating and surprising; he is endlessly experimenting with new varieties and arranging/growing displays in terrariums. 

He is not as interested in being photographed, though! I do respect that, but hope he will let me take just a few for his birthday nonetheless. Here was the sole picture I took of him all day, with permission.

I don't remember the name of the plant pictured below, but this is some kind of death flower. Its putrid smell is designed to attract flies, which are then trapped and digested in the center.

(If I'm not careful, I will be taking you down a trail of thoughts with this flower of death... because life is not always as it appears. Be careful about where your affections lead you!)

A forest of cork...

I wanted to climb this tree, and a boy looking over my shoulder just now voiced the same desire.

Being a boy mom makes me enjoy taking pictures of bugs. I enjoy the challenge of inching up close as well.

>:<

The years of motherhood are wonderful to be sure, but they are not always easy. In fact, the best things in life almost never are. 

Because of the impression Psalm 90 made on me early in my mothering days, it is difficult for me to think of it outside the context of motherhood. It is such a special passage to me. These words have long been my prayer and plea to my God, the compassionate giver of good~

"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

    that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

    and for as many years as we have seen evil.

 Let your work be shown to your servants,

    and your glorious power to their children.

 Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

    and establish the work of our hands upon us;

    yes, establish the work of our hands!"

~Katherine