Hello 2016

We remember with gratitude the wonderful holiday just spent as we return to the daily grind of school and chores and obligations! I’m doing what I can for the boys, as school in particular grates against their boyish desires for activity and adventure.

New Years was celebrated with friends. It appears that our group of friends is beginning to make some traditions: Tamale party for New Years Eve (complete with sparklers, poppers, and kisses at midnight), and flag football and chili on New Years Day. Each time we’ve assembled recently, or found ourselves congregated after the church doors have been locked, I have been filled with thankfulness for what these friendships mean to us. The word “loyalty” has come up several times recently, and though everyone needs loyal friends, Jon and I are thankful for these precious friendships. This new year is likely to bring with it some wonderful progress and some unavoidable/necessary challenges as we make some significant changes in ministry, and loyal friendships will be essential.

2016. Wow. I was telling the kids about all the craziness people anticipated for Y2K. Remember that? None of my kiddos were born then, but it seems to me Y2K was just a few short years ago. Time flies. My kids filled a time capsule this year and placed it in the storage space under the house. They wrote letters to themselves and put in coins and small toys. Actually, I'm not sure of all the contents, but I had some good laughs at some of the things I overheard. It will be great fun opening that capsule up in a decade or so! I imagine a few "significant others" laughing along with us!

A new year always gives the impression that we get a clean slate, like an opportunity at living a better life and making a shinier mark on the story of our life. We hope that this next chapter will be better than the last, and we resolved to try harder to be the person we wish to be. Part of me hopes this will be a year of good circumstance and of happiness, but the smarter part of me knows this is frivolous and ridiculous thinking! God doesn’t promise us such ease! My true desire is to strive still more to be who God wants me to be in whatever circumstances he chooses for his glory and my good this coming year.

I like new beginnings. They are opportunities for self-evaluation and for the renewal of goals. It is a good practice to “number our days [so] that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Ps. 90:12). I especially like that God is always creating new beginnings, too. He creates anew everywhere… new seasons, new vegetation, new life… and someday a new earth. He creates new hearts that reflect his own. He leaves behind the old, that which has been forgiven, and he is constantly making me better and more like his Son. The old is gone and the new person he is making within is being made right now, until I am presented complete when he brings me to glory. This gives me great hope for the new year.

This past year will stand out as one of the hardest of my life thus far. It was spiritual and emotional whiplash, and from it I have not quite recovered. This time last year was filled with hope, excitement, and a feeling of great trust in the goodness of God. We were scrambling to make ready our home for two more children, praying for all the people involved. I knew there would be very difficult challenges ahead, but through it I had confidence that the face of God was shining on us. I had read it in his word, prayed for it, and expected it. I felt that this was God's doing and I was ready to walk the journey of adoption with his divine favor and help.

But I couldn't have been less prepared for what was to come, or for my response to it all. As the weeks turned to months, and the difficulty of our situation became extreme, I couldn't understand the why of God's providence, or what was expected of me. I had never experienced such difficulty within and without, never been placed in such a hopeless situation with only bad choices to choose from. Never did I feel so dirty, or involved in something so dark and destructive. Never did the future look so grim, so painful, so despairing.

I believe that God is the giver of good things to those who love him. Always. Those good things are defined by God, of course, even if they are not understood by me. I have held on to that in faith, though I have not always felt it. But I've been rocked to the core of my being. I still cry in the aftermath of it all. I talk to God when I can't sleep and ask him to search me, and try me... I search for understanding, and I look for the goodness that is promised. I keep looking, and yet I know I may never see and understand.

But I believe in the goodness of God! As the new year begins to unfold, I want to be evermore grounded in who he is and who I am in him. I realize that my numb heart has sort of wandered, so my resolution or renewed commitment has been to draw near to God with greater effort. I want to know him-- his character, his promises, his love for me. And I want to become one whose affections for my savior are such a part of my own character that his praises are in my heart and on my lips with increasing frequency and sincerity. With his help, I've determined to teach my soul to worship.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

    and all that is within me,

    bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

    and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

    who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

    who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good

    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness

    and justice for all who are oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,

    his acts to the people of Israel.

The Lord is merciful and gracious,

    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,

    nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

    nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

For he knows our frame;[a]

    he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;

    he flourishes like a flower of the field;

for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,

    and its place knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,

    and his righteousness to children's children,

to those who keep his covenant

    and remember to do his commandments.

The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,

    and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the Lord, O you his angels,

    you mighty ones who do his word,

    obeying the voice of his word!

Bless the Lord, all his hosts,

    his ministers, who do his will!

Bless the Lord, all his works,

    in all places of his dominion.

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Psalm 103

I've committed to memorizing this Psalm because it is the best way for me to meditate on it, line by line, truth by truth. I feel in good company knowing that David, the friend of God, needed to instruct his own soul to worship, too.

So, though I have no clue what lies ahead, I rest knowing that God does. He stands outside of time, he has numbered my days, and has written my story. And he promises never to leave me as it all unfolds.

 But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,

    nor the heart of man imagined,

what God has prepared for those who love him”—

1 Cor.  2: 9

~Katherine

An Unforeseen Ending

The afternoon sunlight of that day was simply beautiful. Early June days had arrived with a thick marine layer of gloom, but this day, like a gift, was beautiful.

The children all played together in the pool. The bigger kids stood on surf boards and competed with foam swords, or took turns running from the hard scape onto the boards and flinging themselves into the water. The two youngest of the bunch bobbed and flailed in the jacuzzi, showing off their recently learned tricks from their first-ever swim lessons last month. I stood by like a dutiful lifeguard and cheered at all their attempts to swim, amazed by how far they've come since they first arrived. Not too long ago, they were anxious of having their hair washed.

The afternoon continued on wonderfully. The three youngest warmed up beneath fluffy towels while I sliced up an entire watermelon. It lasted maybe 10 minutes before every last slice was consumed. I picked up a couple soggy band aids by the pool side, carried in wet towels, and prepped for dinner.

On one hand it was a pretty normal afternoon: kids, water, food, band aids. On the other hand, it was completely different. There were no outbursts or "episodes," no defiance and slamming of doors, no hateful words. And this would be our last afternoon together.  I will always remember it as a wonderful day.

Everything that has transpired over the course of the last several months is still so raw; I am having a difficult time knowing how to package it all into words. This is the post I wish I didn't have to write. It's a post I don't know how to write. I keep reminding myself I don't owe it to anyone to give an explanation here, but to some extent it is necessary if I ever plan on blogging again.

After an incredible amount of prayer and counsel from individuals and couples who are well-acquainted with foster care and adoption, and who love the Lord, we have decided not to proceed with the adoption of the two precious children that were in our care. It is a complicated matter, and I desire to keep the reasons private for the sake of the children. In essence, we are not able to provide the level of care they need and deserve.

After the decision was made, I agonized over how the last day would unroll. I imagined it to be the worst day of my life, with one child raging and the other in utter devastation, and with my heart absolutely shred to pieces. However, my imaginings could not have been further from the truth. The children took the news as very matter of fact, and within minutes they were completely excited for their next home. We spent the evening and the following morning preparing the kids for their transition, and the whole time they were happier than we had ever seen them before. Frankly, it was quite bizarre, but their response further confirmed we were making the right decision.

I broke the rules and tucked my phone number and address into the Bibles we gave each of the kids. I'd like for them to be able to reach us some day if they choose to do so. Surprisingly, I received a phone call the following day and I spoke with one of the kids. She had good things to say: she was settled in comfortably, she was enjoying her new surroundings, and she happily told me about her new friends. Amazingly, her brother's old school friend is in the same home, and the two boys were on the trampoline out back. She promised to give him a hug for me. I then spoke to their new caregiver, a very warm and caring individual.

On this side of things, we are confident in our decision and feel very relieved and grateful. The last four months have been the hardest trial of our lives. And yet, there is a certain sadness and grief over what could have been.

I'm not sure why things went the way they did. I do know with certainty that God's ways are not my ways. I may never know the "why" of this chapter of my life, but I trust in the surpassing goodness of God at all times.

I know I will battle a sense of failure, and wonder where we went wrong. I will question the strength of my faith in God, and I will fear being judged or misunderstood by others. But I know God is sovereign, and I trust God has His purposes in it. This is now part of the story He wrote for me before time began, and I trust Him completely to know what is best.

I am thankful for all those who loved them well, especially within the body of Christ. The children know the gospel, and they know we will love and pray for them always.


~Katherine

Hands Wide Open

Apparently the hard drive of my computer is shot. The computer won't turn on and the stuff that wasn't backed up is lost. I'm terrible at all things computer related (which means a lot of things), and my guess is that my laptop wasn't backed up in over 6 months. I haven't yet allowed myself to think of all that is gone, except for all pictures. Of course this blog has a few, but it's the ones I couldn't post that I'll really miss. So this post typed out from the kids' school computer will also be without pictures!

The month of May is winding down rapidly. It's one of my favorite months of the year. Sadly, this year I didn't get to see and enjoy the month quite like I normally do. June. June will be my May. Just maybe.

Mother's Day is in May, though this is not the reason I love it so. Still, Mother's Day brought lots of opportunity for reflection this year. Although the day itself was quite lovely, this was a different sort of year. Honestly, in years past it always felt to me that there were two children missing. This year six hand-written names decorated the Mother's Day banner, and somehow it still felt odd.

Motherhood has been an unexpected journey for me. Entering my adult years, and especially entering marriage, I didn't relish the idea of having children. I was more interested in education and in "meaningful" work in a career. I pictured myself pursuing graduate work, then work in cardiopulmonary rehab. I loved helping patients and their families, combining exercise and nutrition in a clinical setting. I had enjoyed this work in my undergraduate internship.

Fast forward a couple years, and I found myself on a different coast with new surroundings and circumstances. Church was different, too, and for the first time I felt like I was being fed the 'meat' of the Word. Suddenly I was learning like I'd never learnt before and I was surrounded by godly young women raising their families. I saw biblical parenting for the first time and I was surprised by it, intrigued, and attracted. (Perhaps I had seen biblical parenting before, but I had never recognized it as such). I began to learn more about God's design in marriage and motherhood. I began to see it as a valuable work, a work that is meaningful and with eternal ramifications. In short, God completely changed my goals and desires in life.

Then the babies started coming. One after another, they came! I devoted myself to learning how to best do my work in a way that honors God: I read books, listened to messages, watched others closely, and asked a ton of questions. I rolled up my sleeves, so to speak, and gave myself to the task, and in it I found unexpected satisfaction.

It was at some point early on in those years that the idea of adoption began. That idea grew from an interest to a more consuming desire during those childbearing years. Eventually, after our four children were born, we pursued an adoptive placement through two different avenues. Both times, however, the doors clearly closed. With no options remaining, I began to pray that the Lord would remove this desire of mine. If adoption wasn't His plan for our family, I didn't want to be constantly thinking about it and hoping for it. I didn't want my desire to take up any room in my heart if it was not God's desire for us. I actively sought to be dissuaded.

But the desire persisted. After we moved from L.A. and settled here, Jon and I gave it one last attempt. We went through the lengthy (and down-right tedious and even ridiculous) process of certification. We did the hours, we prepared our home, and we set aside or gave up many other pursuits and opportunities. We prayed for wisdom and discernment, and for protection as we opened up out door to the state, exposing ourselves to their scrutiny.

Then we waited. And waited. The incompetency and inefficiency of the system kept astounding us. We were on the verge of deciding when to quit (because certifications do have expiration dates) when we were presented with a sibling set of two. And now here were are.

So back to Mother's Day. My take-away from this year's special day for moms was not what one might expect after all that has transpired. It was a somber reminder that none of this-- four natural born children + two more-- is about me. This life is not about me. My work and my people... They are not for me, and none of it defines who I am before the Lord.

It's a truth that must be understood completely: My worth is only in the Lord.

It is not in the accumulation of possessions or living in a beautiful house. It is not in health or in physical beauty. My worth is not found in a successful career, nor in a committed marriage, nor in motherhood. It is not meaningful ministry, not in plans or dreams, not in sacrifice and self-abandonment. It is not found in devotion to a passion. It is not associated with the people we love and serve. It is not in a legacy left behind.

Everything could be stripped away. Things could come crashing down. What matters is that I am God's, and my relationship with Him comes before everything else.

I am reminded once again that all of the things I hold dear really belong to the Lord, and they bear no significance on who I am to Him. My precious people and my meaningful work, my desires for the future-- those are certainly important to me, but I hold them humbly with hands wide open. What I hope for and what I thought God has prepared for me... they just may not be the way I had pictured.

Ultimately, I must trust God to do (to give and to take, or to withhold entirely) as He chooses. Hands wide open... never grasping, never demanding. Only trusting.

The take-away for me this month was quite certain: God's ways are not my ways, His plans differ from mine, and He will direct my path. I know I will often fail, especially with the unexpected, but I commit to seek Him and to walk in wisdom, and to hold everything in submission to His will. Hands wide open.


~Katherine

Friday Closing

I have more sweet friends than I deserve! After a trying week, these beautiful peonies! Several others sent encouraging music via email, others remembered me in prayer. I am grateful in ways I cannot express!

I couldn't stop taking pictures of these beauties today! 

 

I woke up this morning more tired than usual but so, so thankful for Friday! I slept in just a bit; everyone did because we had a little rain during the early morning hours and everything was so cozy and still. Friday at last! Later tonight we will load up and drive to the airport and welcome our guys home! It has felt like ages since Jon and Andrew left!

I've started my days with some Psalms this week. This one here (Ps. 105) was a good reminder of my job description. It is what must take priority, and my obedience in it will work its way into all the other jobs I undertake. Whatever happens, whatever comes, may I do and pray these things relentlessly~

Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;

make known his deeds among the peoples!

 Sing to him; sing praises to him;

tell of all his wondrous works!

Glory in his holy name;

let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!

Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually!

And things do happen and trials do come our way! We should expect it. Things had been going along smoothly for the first several days of Jon's absence, then, well, not so much. As I type here this evening I can see little cuts and scabs on my hands which came from caring for a child that has given in to every sinful behavior they could come up with. My muscles ache. I've had to physically subdue this child's anger and hatred before, but this episode was quite a bit more extreme. It's an ugly thing-- because the manifestation of sin is always ugly-- but this subduing was the most loving thing I could do at that time. Still, in many ways, it feels like a battle lost. 

I know it is a test: "Will you love me if I act like this? Really? Prove it!" And so the unleashing of threats, hatred, defiance, violence, etc. begins.

So yes, in a sense I feel like we are not making good headway with one individual because things are getting harder. But in another sense, these are valuable lessons for the rest. The blessings of obedience are evident in the life of those who obey, the consequences of sin are tremendously ugly. Late at night, the older kids and I have sat up and discussed how we should be prepared for the morning; we armed ourselves with this verse:

"…but God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Rom. 5:8

When we were unlovable, undeserving, and actively opposed to God, He loved us in the most sacrificial way. We can strive to be Christ-like in the way we actively choose to love those who act against us. We talked about the fact that loving these kids is really a display of our love for the Lord, and our expression of love is an expression of God's love to them. So really, IT IS ALL ABOUT GOD! 

This afternoon while I had the youngest two take naps, the rest of us enjoyed a little treat. We hid in Michael's bedroom lest one of them wander out before nap time ended! In my defense, I'm just trying to avert long, drawn out problems! The rest of us need to enjoy our relationships which are still very much together and intact! I was encouraged by their words: they told me how surprised they were at my calm and composure during the "episode." To me, it is a wonder anyone could see any sort of calm or composure!

This little tea and scone break was well timed because just half an hour later our little ticking time bomb exploded again! (Pray for me, will you?)

Not many people speak out truth about adoption. In our time and culture, it has become romanticized and trendy. Many people go into the process with unrealistic ideas, only to be unprepared for the difficulty and trauma of it all. Many placements/adoptions fail. 

For some people, adoption is a way to build a family, and under many circumstances this is a lovely way to do so. But for those who want to open their home to the needy, adoption can be a very difficult road. These "needy" children are typically not the ones that make good additions to happy homes if happiness is the ultimate goal. It is not the building of a family, but simply an answer to the call to care for the needy. It may simply be a way to fulfill biblical hospitality to children. 

I have more to say. Maybe we will be the ones to say the things most won't want to admit. Maybe we will be the ones to help others view adoption and the care of needy children in a less romantic way, in a realistic way that still is beautiful to God. Maybe we will scare anyone contemplating the idea, or maybe we will be the ones surprised by the beauty of it. I don't know. 

For now I pray for our salvation... That all six children would be saved, that God's mercy and grace would shine into the darkness, and that in it all, God would be glorified...

"Save us, O God our salvation…

that we may give thanks to your holy name;

and glory in your praise."

…Because salvation is for God's glory!

But for right now, I'm off to the airport! Happy Friday!

~Katherine

January Chill and God's Faithfulness

The sun was warm and pleasant, the afternoon was slow and monotonous, my heart discontent and restless. I looked out the window and noticed a boy's hat hanging by the pool. The greenery suddenly looked inviting, and the sight of the straw hat brought a jolting reminder that these days with my growing boys won't last forever. I stepped outside for a moment, realizing I have altogether neglected to breathe deep, relax, and to give my burdens to the Lord. I moved toward the pool, unlocked the gate quietly and hoped not to be discovered. I had a cup of coffee in hand, hopeful for a little boost of something, and my camera because I regularly need to see beauty from a different lens than my own eyes. I needed some sort of recharge on every level.

I forced myself to be intentional, to notice, to feel. I tried laying down by the edge of the spa, letting the warm breeze sweep over me like a balm. I wanted to feel soothed, cared for, and sustained, but restlessly I busied myself with my camera. Restless. I ignored the real issues of my heart and I looked for beauty in the gifts God surrounds me with rather than in God Himself. I see that now, but at the time I did not. I've been frantically restless.

From the other side of the pool fence, five children played soccer. I was thankful for this, since we are all growing weary. Truth be told, no one feels like playing with the new arrivals anymore. We are forcing smiles, forcing kindness; we are forcing and reminding and trying again and again to just love. It's a love of choice at best right now. Loving with the brain and with action is hard when the heart is numb or indifferent. Yeah, like I said... truth be told...

This season of my life sort of feels like a deep winter freeze. The sun shines beautifully outside, but I curl deep below the blankets and wish for the kind of warmth the soul feels. Another day dawns, and I want to shut my eyes to it for a little while longer. I am numbed by the cold headwinds of my life.

I knew this season would come, but I imagined myself up early praying, strengthened and sustained. I imagined sensing the face of God shining, warmth for the soul. Jesus told his disciples to pray in the garden, but they shut down and slept because they couldn't handle the weightiness of it all. When prayer is what I need the most, I have become silent, stuck, benumbed.

There is so much to pray for. So many needs, so much sin, such heaviness. And loneliness, too. When I sense I need God the most, I have found myself frozen in place.

Ah, but He is there! He knows it all, He sees my weakness, and knows my heart. And He loves me still, calling to me, "Come."

I recommit. He is always there; I am the one that moves in and out of fellowship. I am the fickle child, brooding outside in the cold. But He is ever saying, "Draw near to me."

And I ask of Him again to hide me in the shadow of His wings and to make His face to shine upon me, and to save us in His lovingkindness. (Ps. 63:7; 31:16) He is faithful still.

~Katherine

Bits of Life Now

It's hard to know where to start, what to say, what not to say. I have often struggled with balancing authenticity and maintaining privacy. If I can't be authentic, then this blog is no longer of value to me and I shut it down. However, privacy is obviously necessary, especially for those who have not volunteered for their business to be publicized, or in our case now, when we have a contract that restricts the sharing of the most basic information. So at this point I find it difficult to write honestly since I cannot provide necessary background.

There is seriously very little I can share: The children are here, and our goal is adoption. Most people know that these things take a ridiculous amount of time. Working with the state in this way is like working with the DMV in a grander scale: There is no end to the inefficiency! In the meantime, I cannot post pictures or release any information regarding identity, history of their past, legal status, etc. Two children are in our care and protection now, and I want to do that in a way that honors them.

(We were expecting them here for Christmas. This was in December when I showed the children's pictures for the first time.)

The last two weeks have been a wild ride. It feels like it has been two months at least. Of course we knew things would be hard and we prepared as best we could, but in the midst of this crazy transition and adjustment, the difficulty of it all seems so much more than I bargained for. On the other hand, things have gone remarkably well. Truly, it has been a crazy, crazy time. Every emotion has been present, and there is no simple way to describe this experience. There are adjustments being made on so many levels and for so many people, but on the whole I am so entirely proud of how everyone is doing. There is much to be thankful for.

I think the psycho-emotional-social (or whatever you want to call it!) has been the most challenging, but the logistical and functional aspects of our days have been out of this world as well. This past week: various social workers, appointments, school registration, meetings with administrators, injuries, injury reports, dentists, hours at the ER, flu virus circulating our home, lessons rescheduled, mountains of paperwork... oh, yes, and schooling and housekeeping and meals... and maintaining sanity throughout!

At the end of each day though, when discouragement would seem most likely, there is always enough good to be confident that all of this is just right. I have full confidence that this is right and good. There is so much I want to share: Things the kids have said (the big ones and the littler ones), times when Jon has given me both the grace I needed and the encouragement to press on, difficulty melting into manageability, evidences of God's work and presence... It amazes me how a simple moment can wipe away hours of difficulty.

(Saturday relaxation.)

Yesterday was a nice day. It was a nice break because nothing major happened. I've got to expect the unexpected now, but when nothing unexpected happens it's an unexpected pleasure! Ha!

It was Valentine's Day and I felt loved. Things have been too weird to plan much of anything, but seeing the day as it unfolded made me think of true and enduring love. Jon is my heart throb. Literally, my heart has been pounding for him! I think of him all the time! By breakfast time I am already feeling impatient for his return! Our current situation has not caused me to be distracted from him, rather I just can't wait to be alone with him. Yesterday we did not exchange cards and there were no gifts or flowers or sweets, but I felt so blessed to be his wife. I watched him work hard and patiently endure, and I felt his commitment to me displayed in his character. Romance is nice, but it is not what displays true love. Real love is steadfast love when life isn't easy, when loving isn't pretty. I am in love with this beautiful husband of mine...

(A simple gift from Jacob, who is my latest flu victim.)

I would like to thank all of you who have sent emails, texts, comments, etc. in response to my last post! I am sorry I have not been able to reply to everyone yet, but your words and sentiments are meaningful to me! Thank you.


~Katherine

An Announcement...

I sit here tonight, fingering the keys of my laptop with an inability to write, and contemplating putting off writing for at least another day. You see, this is the post I've been hoping to write for years now. Literally, years. It's the post I have often dreamed of delightfully assembling. It was going to be a cheerful announcement with enchanting pictures, and it would mark the end of waiting and the beginning of a new journey and calling. But now the long awaited time is here, and I'm simply paralyzed. My words are stuck, they are not even forming, and the grand announcement is not rolling out with the romantic sentiment I once expected.

The years of waiting and hoping did indeed mature me out of believing it would all be easy and only wonderful. Those years were not wasted, and the work which God did in my heart was entirely necessary. Some of these things I will eventually share because they are a significant part of my story now. However, I am discovering that my lessons have only just begun. This is not the end of one thing, only the continuation of deeper and more intimate instruction by my Savior. If there is a beginning, it is of me clinging to God in a brand new way and coming to know Him and His power more intimately. To me, this is the blessing.

But in my frailty I find myself unsure at times. I see myself in the big black eyes that look up at me each day, hesitant, scared, and wondering if I'll pull through for them.

There are eight chairs around our dining table. Our house is full. Two more children now call me Mom.



~Katherine