A Small Miscellany of Notes

July 27

For the first time in months and months, I find myself at a coffee shop with my little books and my computer. I’m seated outside, of course, but it’s a wonderful feeling of renewed normalcy. This area, which is usually bustling with international tourism, is now a quiet place for thinking and writing.

I have always kept a weekly goal of doing something out of the ordinary during the summer break. My kids are rapidly growing out of childhood and into adulthood, so these outings are typically with my younger boys now. (The older two are always welcome but frequently have plans or obligations of their own.) Today I dropped Andrew, Jacob, and a friend off for a time of snorkeling with the leopard sharks. I’m crossing my fingers that they’ll see some cool marine life despite high tide and murkier-than-expected water. They invited me to join, assuring me that having their "momsy" with them was not uncool. I love it so much that they asked! But I also think they shouldn’t have me in tow all the time. Plus, the water is really cold today! 

Ah, it’s a peaceful day.

Not for everyone, though. As a society, questions and unknowns linger long. We wait for this situation to blow over, but it seems to just intensify as it is prolonged. Accusations, suspicions, and corruption run rampant. Evil is an undeniable absolute, hiding in plain sight.

Just like the rest, we are waiting for some sort of plan for the coming school year, unsure how to prepare and proceed. Like others, we have disappointments because some desires won’t come to fruition. And we are saddened by what see happening, even recoil at our society’s response.

And yet, curiously, this has been such a peaceful summer for me.

I hear of the sovereignty of God discussed. It’s true that he is ultimately in control, that not a single thing can transpire outside of his will. We do right when we rest in this knowledge. But personally, I don’t feel at peace simply by hearing the word ‘sovereign.’ You see, God could be a righteous bully wielding this sovereignty because it’s his prerogative to do so. He could execute his righteous justice however he pleases. Or he could sovereignly turn his back on us and leave us all to our own doomed devices.

No, for me peace comes with the remembrance that God is good. His goodness towards us is that which is loving and kind, and he promises only good to those who belong to him. Yes, he is fully sovereign in all things and at all times, but his goodness fully permeates his sovereignty. There is nothing to fear when his sovereignty assures that we are in his care— his good, kind, and protective care.

And that changes my perspective all the time. 

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Notebook scribbles: Undated

Beware what you give to unstable friendships.

Beware of self-serving religiosity.

Beware of humble words where humble actions are lacking.

Beware of the arrogant grin, comments from under the breath, and sideway glances.

Beware of lip service.

Beware of duplicitous behavior.

Beware of thinking Proverbs are just interesting sayings.

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Journals and Discussions: On Aging

Aging is a privilege and a gift. (Just ask any cancer survivor.) 

Learn to embrace it.

To the young that mock it, just know that you are aging at the very same pace as all the rest. Also realize that you are nurturing a culture that will only come back to bite you. Mockery illustrates immaturity, even foolishness; it does not glamorize youthfulness.

On the other hand, maturity is a responsibility. Maturity is the reward of long-term, deliberate wisdom acquisition. It is a responsibility not only because it is a hard-earned treasure, but also because it must be passed along. Aging, however, is not synonymous to maturity gained through wisdom. Value the aged, but nurture intimate friendships with the wise.

Also, cognitive knowledge is far different than experiential knowledge. Surround yourself with people who are older than yourself– people who have traveled farther and longer, who have lived with purpose, and (especially) who have come through trials of various kinds. Remember that not every lesson needs to be learned the hard way! We can learn from imitation and practice.

Finally, true wisdom is a close companion of humility.

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A quote from the back of a notebook: On God's sovereignty and on words

"He speaks and crafts every piece of matter woven into those scenes, and that is why they happen. His speaking is their happening." (source unknown)

I am studying the power of words. Kind words or slander... they are both powerful in their own way. 

True words are from God, whereas slander, by it's very definition and history, is from the devil and Satan-like.

Words build up or destroy; they can have the power of life and death. 

God's Word is living, active, and eternal; it will not return void; it cuts like a double-edge sword and discerns the intentions of the heart.

The gospel are words of LIFE! Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

We came to be, we live, and we die according to God's spoken word. 

Words matter.

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Lessons from Jesus: On relationship and new life

It has been said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, so I've decided to spend more time with Jesus in the Gospels. These are my observations on how He related with the woman at the well, so that I might learn:

Jesus was compassionate; he gave respect and regard to the woman as a created being.

Jesus was grateful to receive refreshment from someone commonly deemed "lesser" and "defiled."

Jesus's motivation was not to condemn and shame, but to set free from the vain pursuits of this life.

Jesus offers relationship, not formalities; he does not demand works for approval.

Jesus shows us it is most loving to share truth than to hide it in fear of offending. 

Truth must be shared lovingly.

Jesus demonstrates that relationship with God will nourish and sustain our being far more than mere earthly sustenance. True life is lived in the spiritual realm.

Jesus saves and transforms. Relationship with Christ changes a person; they are a new creation. The changed person, then, will do the will of God because of that change. 

The Spirit of God empowers that change, day by day.

 

Isn't the progression of Jesus's interaction wonderfully fascinating? From the initial moment of contact to His indwelling power, we can learn from him and rejoice because of him!

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Images: July 15

I was perched on a cliff trying to get close while keeping my gear dry, all paparazzi-like. 

My boys assure me it's okay to be paparazzi-like.

Jacob... Always with a flip.

Andrew... Always trying something.

Jacob... Thumbs up.

Andrew... Feet up.

Favorite shot, below.

They jumped till the sun set. Over and over again, they jumped.

~Katherine

Miscellany (of Murals and Journals)

Time passes, my days are full, and journaling happens in short segments of time. Mostly there is no time for journaling, but if my mind could transcribe words instead of silent thoughts there would be so much more content to this blog. In my mind I am nearly always carrying on a conversation of sorts, either with myself of with someone not present, or with God. For someone who is frequently described as quiet and reserved, people would be amazed at the noise in my brain. It's a party in there, and a novel, essays, and rants. Maybe it's borderline crazy.

None of my pictures have been transferred from my camera to my computer since our trip over the New Year's holiday, so I've decided to use some of the pictures I've collected with my younger boys during the autumn months. We've decided we enjoy searching out murals together, and we have spent several afternoons zipping around to take pictures at local spots. Sometimes this is planned, other times it is in passing.

So this installment of a "Miscellany" post is for making blogging doable for me. It is just an assortment of thoughts and silly pictures.

"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." 

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“A painting requires a little mystery, some vagueness, and some fantasy. When you always make your meaning perfectly plain you end up boring people” 

― Edgar Degas

>:<

A few thoughts with Valentine's Day in mind...

First thought: I saw a t-shirt recently that said something to the effect: "Love me like Chip Gaines loves Joanna."

Can I just say that's retarded? Really? Please don't bring other people's relationship into your marriage as a base of comparison. How unfair! How small-minded. The Gaines have a cute (maybe even exemplary) relationship that has been refreshing to see, but don't ever be duped into thinking that any one's life or relationship is perfect. No one is free of difficulty, no relationship is void of pain, and no one should be asked to meet a standard that is based on the perception of someone's life.

What you see on screen is always edited. You are shown a snapshot, a slice of reality, a small piece of viewing material that is intended to depict something specific. Most of the real stuff of life is not on display, whether the person is publicly recognized or not. Most of what you see in public is also "edited" because few truly live without inhibition. That cute couple in church, that person you follow in a blog or on Instagram, the author of that Christian book on your nightstand... all horribly imperfect.

And that will show up in their relationships somewhere.

Sorry if you are a fan of the Gaines. I like them, too, just not the false ideal some people then turn around and expect their husband to live up to. I'm not a fan of recipes for failure.


Second thought: One of my favorite quotes comes to mind this Valentine's Day~

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

Tim Keller

To be fully known and truly loved is the ultimate goal. It is Christ-like love, by the power of the Spirit, through forgiveness and grace. Human relationships are messy and loving another despite what we find is a beautiful choice. Make this kind of love your life-long goal in loving your spouse, even if arriving at that goal will be impossible. And know that it will be just as impossible for your spouse to perfectly do in loving you. Embrace the difficulty of marriage together, and press into a truer and more intimate knowing of each other that adds depth and sincerity to your love. 

And let the perfect love of Christ be the example.

>:<

"It's easy to fool the eye but it's hard to fool the heart." 

-Pacino

“Ouvrir les yeux est un antidote au désespoir.” 

-Sylvain Tesson

>:<

Summer weather smack in the middle of winter is not so bad and I've been enjoying it immensely.

I realized something once again, though, as I was running by the beach this week, and it has unraveled something far bigger than a simple realization...

I care far too much about what other people think of me. That's nothing new, but the degree to which it plays out surprises me at times. This has been stated here before, but unfortunately I am a slow learner.

If I enjoy something, or if the Lord has blessed me in a certain way, I'm frequently afraid to draw attention to the gift because I fear the thoughts and jealousy of others. Instead of affirming the goodness of God out loud or publicly, I savor it quietly and avoid drawing attention to it lest I cause someone to jealously think I am boasting. Instead of praising God for the gift (God focused), I cower in fear of disapproval and jealousy from others (self-focused). My concern of how others might feel if they choose to compare their situation with mine is not a spiritual maturity, but rather a refusal to simply worship God in praise and thanksgiving. We all have things in our lives worthy of praise, gifts that the Giver wisely gives to some and withholds from others. We will only be further blessed through our praise and thanksgiving, and I don't want to miss out on that!

So stating something as plain as the beautiful weather I've enjoyed, the beach, the sunsets, the ability to run, to create, to bring order, or accomplish... or whatever... these are viewed by me as undeserved blessing. Just saying.

Yes, some people are smack in the middle of a cold, dark winter and they are battling seasonal  depression. I feel for them. I battle depression for other reasons at times, but the fact remains that there is beauty and wonder all around me and in me. These remind me of God's goodness and care for me; they are his works. It's undeserved and worthy of praise. We all have these blessings if we look, even though they aren't the same. I invite you to look; be intentional to see what you can find, like gifts that need to be unwrapped and acknowledged.

>:<

“You were born an original work of art. Stay original.” 

-Kassem

>:<

If I could turn back time I would. I'd love to go back to when my kids were little. I frequently picture each of them during the younger years and reminisce those sweet days.... softer hair, smaller bodies, lots of time for affection and cuddles. Life was busy, but it somehow seemed slower and much simpler. Things were different, but seasons of life are not meant to last forever. Each season has something new for us to experience and discover.

If I could go back in time, I'd also appreciate my own smoother, more supple skin in a way I never did before... but that's another story.

Anyway, new seasons to enjoy are here, and enjoy them I will do! I noted a few fun things this afternoon: 

1. Increased maturity- Michael went straight to doing his homework after I picked him up from school today. No orders or even suggestions by me needed. After youth group tonight, he will continue till the late hours.

2. Increased independence- I went for an 8 mile run this afternoon and passed Andrew on the way out. He was heading home on his unicycle from his secret "moss place" with new mosses for his terrarium.

3. Relationship by choice- On my way home from my run, I passed by Olivia and Jacob on a sibling date. She was taking him out for tacos at the local stand. Sweet, eh? Makes me happy.

>:<

"Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall." 

-Ray Bradbury

>:<

On smoother, more supple skin:

There's no such thing as magic in a bottle, but coconut oil is pretty rad. I use it to remove make up and to moisturize my whole body. Coconut oil has amazing health benefits and I try to incorporate it whenever I can in the kitchen, too. I've used it on my skin for a couple years now, and I'm never going back. Also, YAY for no chemicals being absorbed and for affordability!

My routine is to dry brush, shower, and massage in coconut oil. It may be the closest thing to youthful, smooth, supple skin...

>:<

>:<

On exercise:

I run because I can. I don't claim to be good, but it's doing good things for me.

I'm nearing the end of another training cycle in preparation for another race. I run to finish, and to improve my personal strength and endurance. I sign up for races to push me to train. I train because doing hard things is satisfying, and it tells me I have fight left in me. When I feel like giving up, simply knowing that I have quiet FIGHT to persevere is huge for me. Whether I'm running miles on the road far from home, or running this race called life, I'm always in need of stubborn fight.

My 8 miles was the second of three medium length runs this week, then I have a long run this weekend. My shins and feet are holding up excellently this training period, and I'm feeling stronger than ever before. I am super thankful. I clearly remember life with extreme, chronic anemia and whole-body effects of painful lower back scoliosis. I may never be free from those issues, but God has graciously granted relief. Yes, he gave me trials and he gave me fight. Both are a mercy.

Along with endurance, I'm also working on flexibility, strength, and balance. I am a slow but steady work in progress. It is a daily occurrence for me to think how physical endurance, strength, flexibility, and balance are also needed in the emotional, mental, and spiritual realms.

>:<

“Everyone has to scratch on walls somewhere or they go crazy” 

― Michael Ondaatje, In the Skin of a Lion

“Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.” 

― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

>:<

On aging:

It is inevitable. Try to like it. Try to embrace reality.

I'm trying hard. My 40th is coming this year, and I'm not really embracing the idea. How? How did that happen? Forty is not how I feel. I felt more like 40 when I was 30, so maybe better health and vitality is what I should celebrate?

It didn't help when someone recently told me I could be a grandma in just a few years. Nor did it help when Olivia agreed, very matter-of-factly.

Do people see me as almost a grandma?! Is it only in my head that I'm aging fairly gracefully, and feeling more youthful than the numbers 4-0 appear?

My vision has been a bit blurry recently. Sigh.

>:<

>:<

Life has been hard recently. Just saying. I called up a friend I don't see often and we got together. I don't meet up with friends often, or make SOS type calls for emergency meet-ups. We sat together and exposed our vulnerabilities, pains, and discouragements. And we shared a few tears.

Life was never meant to be easy.

A few days ago I needed an escape-- not from anything or anyone surrounding me at the moment, but just a place to exhale. A quiet place where no one needed me or something I could give, where no one could find me.

The car was my place, parked in the darkened garage. I sat there with an amber bottle of kombucha, feeling guilty for taking a bottle all to myself and remembering the days when I'd hide from my littles in the pantry with a square of chocolate. But kombucha is expensive even on sale and I didn't have enough to go around, so I wasn't planning on getting caught. My sense of guilt can easily get the best of me.

Anyway, there I was feeling defeated and sorry for myself. I was looking for relief, for something more satisfying than my present state.

We look for satisfaction in lots of wrong places, don't we? Even in a darkened car and a bottle of something.

In the quiet dark, I thought about these things. My coconut lime kombucha was really nice, but certainly not magic in a bottle. Satisfaction found in anything the world has to offer is fickle at best, and elusive in the long term. I daily look for it in wrong places.

Ministry is hard. Seeing my husband bear the weight daily and feeling the effects on myself and our family is super hard much of the time. Should anyone be surprised? I am always surprised that some people think it is some sort of party of friendship and support. No. It is often a relentless battle with much opposition, discouragement, criticism, and loneliness. We are grateful for those who battle with us, but no, ministry is not easy.

The devil loves for nothing more than to soil the relationship that Christ has with his church in the eyes of the world. Jon and I are acutely aware that our marriage will always be threatened in ministry, because marriage is a picture of Christ's love for his church. And the never-ending needs and work/expectations of ministry, along with certain people in the church, are like wedges in a marriage if allowed. The demands and expectations could threaten to jack-hammer us apart.

This is not unique to us, or a statement against our local body. Not at all.

But our satisfaction will not be found in this work, nor will it be found in a perfect marriage (even if that were a real thing). Satisfaction isn't in being loved and appreciate by people, whether in ministry or not. My joy cannot be tied to people's evaluations of how we are meeting needs, because there is no way any human being can fully meet all needs.

We look for satisfaction in all the wrong place. Do we perhaps have an sinful expectation of our church body to meet our needs? Do you, if you are honest? Is this why many people are so dissatisfied with their church? Everywhere I go, I here it said. People are dissatisfied with church.

But here's the thing: If a perfect church could be found, it would still not meet all your needs.

Only Christ can do that. Only relationship with Christ can bring true satisfaction.

Don't look to the church to be your savior. This is idolatry.

Our church and fellowship with believers are not replacements for relationship with God. If you feel that your church hasn't met your "needs," consider that maybe you are expecting what only God can give. Let's not make an idol out of our church, then turn around in anger and complaint when fellow heirs of grace cannot satisfy.

Give what you expect to receive from others. Be the first to engage in meaningful conversation. Be the first to extend an invitation, or a visit, or a word of encouragement. Don't expect others to do what you are unwilling to do. And serve; use your gifts instead of complaining you aren't being served. Church is not a consumer oriented enterprise. Love others the way you want to be loved; our standard of love is not how we presently feel loved.

Then through all the giving, I promise you will receive something in return.

But... know that you won't receive everything that you need; only relationship with Christ can satisfy.

>:<

"I did not know how to paint a mural. I did not know how to prepare the surface. There was nobody from the Renaissance around who could advise me, and I did the best I could."

-Maurice Sendak

>:<

A note for you:

Sister, you are loved. Know that.

Because you are loved by the author of love himself. 

God IS love, and Love has sought you and sacrificed for you. You don't need to earn it from God, so you don't need to earn it from others.

Stop chasing perfect love and bask in the knowledge that you already have it.

Go live to give love in return. Freely. Live free, giving freely.

>:<

~Katherine

November Miscellany

A few thoughts, quotes, events, and pictures as we move out of this season and into the holidays....

Fall sunsets here are captivating. These pictures are from a spontaneous evening on the shore... just a few moments of play as the sun set.

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Tired of politics and all the nonsense it has caused within relationships? Instead of getting all up in arms with what's going on in our culture, consider this:

“The patriot, who hopes that schools and lyceums (or colleges), and the general diffusion of knowledge, will promote the good order and happiness of the community while family government is neglected, will find that he is attempting to purify the streams which are flowing from a corrupt fountain. It is maternal influence, after all, which must be the great agent, in the hands of God, in bringing back our guilty race to duty and happiness. O that mothers could feel this responsibility as they ought! …There is no combination of causes so powerful in promoting the happiness or the misery of our race, as the instruction of home. In a most peculiar sense God has constituted you the guardians and the controllers of the human family.” (The Mother at Home, John S.C. Abbott)

Think again if you feel that "moral" government, culture, schools, etc. will turn out a better generation. Get offline and live in reality, doing the work God has given you right in front of your face, whatever that means for you.  :)

My life will have the greatest impact now and for the generations to come if I faithfully raise up children that hope in God, equipping them to go into the world and be difference makers. We have an incredible opportunity and responsibility as moms. May we not get side-tracked. Stay kingdom-minded. Keep your eyes on Jesus!

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A good thought on accepting each of our days as they come (including the surrounding circumstances and trials):

“Mercifully, God does not leave us to choose our own curriculum. His wisdom is perfect, his knowledge embraces not only all worlds but the individual hearts and minds of each of His loved children. With intimate understanding of our deepest needs and individual capacities, He chooses our curriculum… An angry retort from someone may be just the occasion we need in which to learn not only longsuffering and forgiveness, but meekness and gentleness; fruits not born in us but borne only by the Spirit.” (Keep a Quiet Heart, Elisabeth Elliot)

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I took pictures till it was too dark, then played with the rest.

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The truth is I’m still a complainer at times, but I’m working on it! Here's a good reminder regarding the goodness of God in all things:

“Everything about which we are tempted to complain may be the very instrument whereby the Potter intends to shape His clay into the image of His Son— a headache, an insult, a long line at the check-out, someone’s rudeness or failure to say thank you, misunderstanding, disappointment, interruption. [Seek] a peaceful and happy contentment in the assurance that goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives.” (Keep a Quiet Heart, Elisabeth Elliot)

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What He Said:

“When I grow up, Mom, I want to be either a trash truck driver or a pastor.”

Um, I had no words. So many, many thoughts… but not a single word.

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Because of Romans 6, and other passages:

I thanked the Lord today— out loud as I was driving— because I am learning new things from His Word. They are things that I knew before, but hadn’t fully understood in a way that applied to my life practically. This is the difference between illumination and simple head knowledge. God’s Word is immensely practical, and it works in us in a way that changes us. I am learning in a deeper way what it means to LIVE… To have true LIFE... FREEDOM from the dominion of sin. With the work and help of the Holy Spirit, this is huge in my daily life and tremendously practical. It changes everything!

Oh, that I would increasingly take hold of this truth in such a way that my life continues to change, bearing fruit for His glory.

>>:<<

I wasn't sure if I was going to post these pictures, but I asked the opinion of a special someone and now here they are. I ran my first half marathon this month...

It was a very early morning and the temps were quite a bit cooler than normal. I am not a morning runner. In fact, I am not a morning anything! 

A pre-race smooch. 

I should have been quicker about getting in the lineup because I had to run at a slower pace than I would have liked for the first mile or so. I learned a thing or two about strategy through my mistakes and through the observation of others in this race.

It was fun seeing my people just passed the start, then again midway. Cheers from my tiny crowd were the best!

While I ran, the others played in the cool fog...

I'm thankful for these pictures taken by Jon.

Half way-ish...

It was super special to be on the receiving end of cheers! Having never participated in team or competitive sports, this was a special experience for me.

I typically run my best after the first 5 miles, but in this case I had the worst ever cramps ever to fight through (ladies... you know the ones!). 

Waiting some more. I so appreciate their patience!

Then after I crossed the finish line...

This race was so good for me: training, perseverance in setbacks (shin splints), increased health, completion, new habits, increased motivation... I am thankful. I spent my 20s growing and feeding babies, and entered my 30s physically depleted. My health was not in the best standing for other reasons, and intense fatigue and musculoskeletal issues made me live in pain and exhaustion. The reality of an aging body came swiftly and intensely. Pain and fatigue meant that I wasn't active, and a loss of activity led to a loss of strength and mobility.

But the Lord has been gracious. Though I entered my 30s more or less like an elderly lady, I hope to exit this decade strong and ready for more usefulness ahead. It has always been my desire to enjoy the activity of life with strength and energy. I want to be useful for the kingdom for as many years as the Lord gives me, and focused training and discipline in the area of health is an investment I am eager to make. Yes, I benefit in so many ways, but so do my husband, children, and others whom God places in my life.

On the other hand, if God chooses to take away the use of my legs (for example), I pray that I would recognize the fact that they were His to begin with. Ultimately, He is the one who enables me to use them; if He takes away ability, may I serve Him fully to whatever extent He gives me. I want to use whatever it is He blesses me with to the max for His glory.

>>:<<

We are entering a season of back-to-back festivities, celebrations, and togetherness! It will be a 5-6 week period of increased hospitality, ministry, and energy and financial output. It is a special time to be sure, but I pray that I would never lose sight of who and what truly matters most.

~Katherine