Opportunity

Sunday afternoon musings...

*Images from early May. 6AM beach time is becoming his thing... 

It’s Sunday mid-afternoon and I’m parked on a steep incline in a neighborhood overlooking the ocean. I need a break from the sameness of house quarantine for a bit. Maybe it’s more accurate to say I need a break from the constant making of food, cleaning up from food, restricting the over-consumption of food, and then more cooking and cleaning. Typically, the best of all breaks for me is a chance to run or to write.

For the last 10 weeks I have not repeated a single dinner. With the exception of the times Jon grilled burgers for us, or a couple nights when we had enough leftovers, or the occasional take-out, I’ve kept it variable at the table. When stay-at-home orders initially took place, and one quarantine day blended into the next, it felt like the least I could do to interject a bit of change. It was a fun creative exercise for a while, but I’m over it now. I really want the flexibility of falling back on old stand-by dishes now and then.

So much change has come in the way we are experiencing this COVID-19 situation. I find it interesting how we all naturally find ways of stabilizing, kind of like homeostasis of an organism. Though there are so many people and activities we are eager to get back to, there are many ways in which this forced pause on life has been good and restorative. I was happy to discover many unexpected gifts. There is newfound gratefulness for the things we once took for granted, and gratefulness for some things we were spared from; I’m thankful for a plethora of opportunity in the quiet, and new possibilities granted through change. God has paved our way in a multitude of ways and I am sure that, in time, we will see even more of his handiwork.

The crowds and traffic were pretty heavy as I drove down the coast this afternoon. Most people are not following the letter of the law on masks and social distancing, but, for the most part, they are following the spirit of the law. I just love that I live in a place where physical activity is facilitated. It makes me happy to see all the surfers, runners, bikers, skateboarders, walkers, and families strolling. I am right there with them on most days.

In fact, still in my pajamas, I took Andrew to the beach this morning at 6 am. He wanted to body board the barrels before breakfast and video/home/family church. I love this about him. And his quarantine mop head. I love that, too.

Before anyone thinks it's all wonderful here by the coast, though, know that there is a nauseating stench coming up from the sea on some days. Andrew smelled like sewage when I picked him up before breakfast today. The red tide has been particularly bad this year. Several weeks ago, the water looked like there had been a horrid biohazard spill, but at nighttime it sparkled with a magical bioluminescence. The algae bloom responsible for all of this is dying off, and now it reeks.

Of course my mind draws up word pictures when I’m putting in my running miles along the coast. The Light of God (daylight) shines and reveals what we really are on our own (something like biohazard material); once our true nature has been revealed to us and we are made right through his Son, God sends dark trials (night) to sanctify and beautify us (bioluminescence). We could never see what he is producing in us without the dark waves of trial. Oh, yes, and the changes may produce a temporary stench as we die to self. Others may even voice consternation by our changing, but death must always accompany new life.

I hope to be refined through this season. Initially, when the whole world was brought to its knees by a novel virus, I gave over any fear to God. If he wanted me to be among the dead, I asked that my death would influence others for eternity. If he would be pleased, I asked that my dying would be used to bring saving faith to others. Whatever it takes. Yes, I’m a little dramatic like that, but I’m also that confident in a good God who never falters on his promises and whose plans work for good. 

Our home has been peaceful as the world spins in a frenzy. I’m grateful for my husband. He is certainly aware of national and international circumstances, but his steadiness and calm have been remarkable. The atmosphere of our home could not be as peaceful if he lacked confidence in God and if he gave in to fear or anger. Perhaps our kids don’t see it yet, but I think this will be a testimony in time to come. These are instructive times, and it is up to us to teach/live what is good. This we know: We will be held in the good and loving hands of our Father today and always. We have a hope as an anchor to the soul, firm and secure. 

Truly, we get a good dose of reality during dinnertime conversations with Jon, but the overall atmosphere and take-away is a calm peace. It’s true that we are witnessing sociopolitical changes and crumbling economies; we try to picture what our future will look like (and that of a generation on the cusp of independence). Like it or not, we are each forced to make a choice regarding what we see. Jon leads us to see… opportunity. Change and disruption always unearth opportunity, and we are constantly discussing what those might be.

Beyond that, on the most basic and foundational level, we have all been given a pretty grand opportunity to build up faith and confidence in God. This must be a priority. (Parents, don’t squander it!)

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

~Katherine

Resolved to be at Peace

When the pictures from the sky jump place arrived in my email inbox, this is the image that made me pause and smile the longest. This picture represents a feat I am very proud of, even more than jumping out of a plane in mid-air. (Is it arrogant to express pride, or can it be appropriate to rejoice over personal achievements and progress? I choose the latter because I truly am grateful.)

Let me just reiterate that fear had replaced all interest in jumping after I'd been gifted a ticket to the skydive place.

This moment right here was what I had to consciously and consistently set aside as I anticipated the jump. This moment represented the final and hardest act of resolve. I knew that to scoot my body to the edge of the plane, to sit with legs dangling and body ready to drop, and to do it willingly, would be the single most difficult moment. What came after (falling) was more passive in terms of resolve, and active only in choosing to take in the experience. I didn't allow fear to rule me in the days leading up to our jump, or while preparing on the ground, or during the 20 minute flight up. One single flinch in this resolve and I would have changed my mind in an instant. I'm so thankful I didn't!

Instead, when fear was menacing and threatened to dominate, I was resolute and at peace. I'm proud of jumping, yes, but more so that inner peace conquered over the tyrant of fear.

I'm not naturally a strong person, but when strength of any sort comes, truly, I am humbly grateful. Self-control is both practiced and received as a gift (Gal. 5:22-23). There are so many ways that implementing self-control is needful in my life. Determined self-control or resolve to do difficult things are persistently needed. For instance, resolve...

To take the first steps of a 15 mile run, or to run to the bitter end
To accept an invitation to speak
To let a child grow into independence, to let them risk, or even fail
To accept the unexpected
To attend an event where people who are cold to us are present
To try something new and difficult, to grow
To say hard but needful things
To be a participant and to contribute, to make myself vulnerable; or
To be guarded, to discern, to draw boundaries
To accept not being understood
To break the mold of expectations, to be unashamedly human, to disappoint
To accept my lot (portion), to live open handedly
To remember hardship, to feel and acknowledge, to move on
To let go what cannot be changed
To serve while being treated as a servant, and to continue serving
To love despite cost
To see past this temporal life
To plead for an outcome, then to wholeheartedly trust God

To be at peace in any storm. And to smile.

>:<

We are urged to "be filled with the Spirit" by the very same Spirit of God who commands, "Peace, be still!" 

I want it fiercely.

Who cares about a dumb picture and about self-imposed thrills? Who cares about practicing mind games to conquer fear if it's all just selfish and temporal?

I want something deeper.

"The peace that passes understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus." That's what I want! How do we find this peace? Because "The Lord is at hand" right here, right now, inviting us into relationship and intimate conversation: "In everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Then He comforts our anxieties and quiets us with his love. (Phil. 4)

Set your heart resolutely on Christ who said: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you." 
(John 14:27)


~Katherine

A Summer Summation

I'm just briefly dropping in to declare how thoroughly I am enjoying the summer. I will never pretend to have a perfect life (how boring that would be anyway!), but there are noteworthy things that make me grateful at every bend. Even the hot, sultry heat we had is worthy of thanksgiving; there's something so wonderful about stripping off a few items of clothing after an arduous and sweaty run and taking a plunge in the pool. I'll admit it's slightly indecent, and I never would have broken so many rules of proper conduct before, but - ah! - how freeing! And then when the temps change and cool down, how appreciative we are for restful nights once more.

My kids are all at such fun stages! Okay, it's true I've always said this, but I've always meant it with the utmost sincerity. Every stage has been my favorite. Here are just a few things that have stood out recently:

*There is an added hilarity to a boy's jokes when his voice is changing and cracking. I look at him and marvel at the person he is morphing into. Also, I am frequently alarmed by the sound of a man's voice coming from the boys' bedroom! Oh yeah, it's just my Andrew.

*I white-knuckled my first few rides as the passenger in a vehicle driven by Michael. I'm pretty proud of myself, though, for maintaining normal speaking and breathing patterns despite my distress. Teen drivers make me feel super young with adrenaline, and super old for having teen drivers.

*I had a late night talk with my boys about girls and crushes that made me gush with joy! Wait, what?! He's telling me this? What a privilege.

*A text that reads "I love you" from a son sailing way out in the Pacific while I'm way up in the Rockies is something worth savoring.

*Kitchen work is most pleasant with my girl who cracks jokes and makes me laugh because life is so good and funny.

*Kids that say, "Thanks, Mom, for doing this for us," when in truth I am equally loving all the trips to the beach, sleepovers, ice cream stops, and get-togethers.

*Reuniting. And lingering conversations around the barn wood table long after plates are cleared, while the setting sun and balmy ocean breeze amplify the magical ambiance of the moment.

*Watching a brother-sister bear hug after a time away is pretty rad.

And marriage? Well, I'm pretty sure it just gets better with time. Seasoned. And in many ways we get to relive our younger years before our babies came because we are too young to have kids beginning to fly the coup. We'll ring in 21 years tomorrow, the age of adulthood. For the record, I plan on us living a bit like we're in our twenties for the the next decade!

Jon and I sat across from each other on our overnight getaway and marveled, a bit teary eyed, at the goodness of God expressed in the people he has blessed us with through this marriage. We don't take this gift casually, this gift of raising and loving our children. It has all been so wonderful.

Tonight we are all back under one roof again, now that my boys are back from New Mexico. They clocked their ride from door to door at about 26 hours each way, mainly by bus. But by all accounts it was entirely worth it, and it is a thrill to hear them tell of the things they enjoyed the most. A testimony of God's saving work and the resulting transformation in the life of their small group leader seemed to have made an enormous impact. How grateful I am. I prayed fervently for God to give them sensitive spirits that are open to His love and transforming power, and eager for His forgiveness and invitation to relationship. This, I am sure, will be a life-long prayer, but it will always be marked with thanksgiving to a God who delights to save.

Olivia wrapped up an amazing 6-month internship today at a marketing firm, and we are now transitioning to getting her ready to move into a dorm in a few short weeks. The days we have left will all be savored in their entirety, even though I can only aspire to fully enter her joy and excitement.


~Katherine

Olivia Graduates

It was well before Olivia's second birthday when I decided to start singing the alphabet to her. I'd sing in the kitchen of our Van Nuys apartment as I made lunch and lifted her over my pregnant belly into the high chair. I'd sing first in French, then in English, then French again. Soon afterwards, I bought puzzles of wooden numbers and letters. She loved the green number 7 best; I can still hear her say, "C'est sept! Seven!" with a pronounced lisp and a little jump. 

Then when Baby Michael napped in the morning and I settled on the floor to play with her (now in a Stevenson Ranch condo above a row of garages), we'd color and put together puzzles. When we reassembled the alphabet pieces, I'd casually make the letter sounds. Soon enough, I showed her how one sound followed the next. Then one day on the I-5 in the Santa Clarita Valley we passed by a truck and from her car seat we heard, "Fff-EeeD... E-X... Fed Ex! It says Fed Ex!" And there was no stopping her from there. At age of two, she was reading words; shortly after her third birthday she was reading sentences. Learning blends, digraphs, diphthongs, units (and any other combos of letters I don't know the names of) came by watching me read aloud and pointing as I went. I never had to teach her, but just casually provide opportunity for her to soak in new things.

That's how it has always been. I just gave her the resources (plus hundreds of library books) and provided guidance as needed. She did one year of public school, 8 years of homeschool, then charter school from 9th grade on. In 3 1/2 years she completed high school and one year of college.

Although she finished her high school requirements in December, Olivia graduated with her class on Saturday with a 4.23 GPA. She gave the valedictorian address. 

[above] Olivia, bottom left
[below] Dutiful seat and flower holders

Zoom lens capture...

She spoke sweet, grateful words with poise and candor, acknowledging that for every bit of success she has had the help and guidance of many. I must say the part of her speech that began, "Thank you, Mom and Dad..." was my favorite! ;) There are few things in life that surpass recognition and gratitude from your child.

They all earned this gratifying moment!

Yep, we are super proud parents! And we will be super proud with each of our kids!

We held a small reception for Olivia the evening before. These are the occasions we long to be surrounded by family, but we have a small circle of friends that have loved us like family and proven a friendship that transcends mere shared interests. Some have loved our family as a whole, and some have personally invested in Olivia. They are spiritual family, tried and tested friends. Between hors d'oeuvres, conversations, pool splashes, and ice cream sundaes, we gathered around and gave thanks to God, asking for his blessing and spiritual protection as she faces the next chapter of her life. 

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, 

And she smiles at the future."

May this be said of her all of her days because her confidence is in the Lord above all else!

~Katherine

Alien Thanksgiving No More

So this happened. No more Alien Number, no more non-citizen status, no more interviews and border interrogations, no more visas, no more renewing papers, no more wondering what to do if denied.

Jon and I have been granted citizenship.

We celebrated "American Thanksgiving" as actual Americans this year. In typical fashion, we filled our home with brothers and sisters in Christ and created a festive environment, all the while missing the feeling and familiarity of holidays with family. Some fine day I'd sure love for my kids to enjoy a Canadian Thanksgiving with extended family. I am sure, though, that the tradition of celebrating with all sorts of people will become precious to them in years to come.

All six of us have dual citizenship now. Our immigration years with all the hidden ways we have been affected are actually priceless to me. Our status, our limitations, our increased worldview and collection of experiences, our fight to establish ourselves and to create a sense of belonging despite the many ways we didn't belong... these have all added to the fabric of our story.

Being a first generation immigrant is yet another way I am different, and I do like different! But I also really love to belong.

Now I do belong and for this I give thanks.

~Katherine

Behold the Turtle...

 "Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."

-J.B. Conant

I like quotes. Short ones especially because I can interpret them as I wish. This one seems about right... 

Progress may be slow, but getting outside of our comfort zone is absolutely essential. Pick areas in life where you need to grow, or must grow, and set goals. Stick your neck out. Be vulnerable. 

And move forward.

It may be years before measurable progress can be charted, but progress surely comes. And no one ever regrets progress.

I can't help but add to this (because we all know the allegory): Run your own race. We each run a different course with different capabilities and resources, and one is not better than the other.

Thanksgiving is a time of year I can note measurable progress in my race. I'm getting nearer to attaining some goals I set in my mid-20's. There is still some distance between myself and the goal, but the start line is farther behind. Of course it hasn't been easy, but that's what makes it so satisfying. 

When it come to the setting of goals, I typically think in terms of being vs. doing. However, being and becoming the person I desire will requires action... and a whole lot of uncomfortably sticking out my neck!

Gratefulness for people and for relationship has been brought to the forefront of my mind this Thanksgiving season. Apart from this, I am thankful for the "course," capabilities, and resources he has granted me to nurture those relations.

If the summation of all that is good and right - all that which brings glory to God and joy to man - is to love God with our whole being and to love others as ourselves, then each person's race (life), capabilities, and resources must be oriented to these two loves. All that God grants us to enjoy is for these two pursuits.

May our enjoyment of God's gifts this Thanksgiving be our expression of giving thanks.

{We found this little guy last month at the beach. He's a dry-land tortoise, but he was being swept in and out of the surf after someone apparently dumped him and tried to pass him off as a sea turtle.

The lifeguard said he could call the Animal Control people, but my boys are opportunists. They took him home and enjoyed him for a few weeks; since we weren't interested in raising a tortoise for the next 100 years, my boys sold him on Craig's List for a pretty penny.}

~Katherine

Welcoming Summer Like...

June at Random

It's absolutely beautiful here. Perfect temp, sunny and breezy, shimmery light, no bugs. If you don't live around here and you just felt a tinge of jealousy, remember that my skin will age quicker than yours and I will be at greater risk for skin cancer. There are always two sides to the same coin.

My errands went quickly and I'm waiting in the car - windows down and sunroof open - while Michael finishes up weight training. Surprise of all surprises, I have a minute or two to blog. In a way I feel like I'm spending the summer driving my teens to places they need to be, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to this type of summer schedule. My younger ones are begging to go to the beach, and all I've been able to manage thus far are short and simple trips that last an hour or so. 

But life is good. I slow my mind down to take it in. I noticed particulars of life with my kids that make me smile, and wish only to be mindful to see more. For instance:

*On the way here Michael rode in the passenger seat with his socks on his lap, skateboard tucked to the side, his knees up to the dash (at 6'1" he can't help it), eating the flesh of a coconut split in half. 

*I took a short bike ride with Andrew this morning so he could show me the homes of more "clients" for his garbage can business. He has a dozen clients now and has increased his profits from $6 per month to $70. Anyway, he found a cool bug as we biked along and wanted to take it home. Since he was on his unicycle, I kept his biting beetle the length of my thumb in my cruiser basket. It hisses. 

*Jacob has wrapped his arms around my waist numerous times today and I stopped long enough to hold him tight. This is super important to him.

*Olivia looked cute and confident as she ran into the ice-cream and candy shop... her summer job.

Well, I've only got some iPhone picks available today. They help me to remember the little things too.

Driving with her is not as scary anymore, until suddenly it is. 

She is doing awesome, but it's a good thing I enjoy adrenaline coursing through my veins now and then.

A painting project I expected to take one day turned into three. I was tired, but now I'm glad it's done.

Three days spent painting rafters is not at all bad for building arm muscle.

Wood stain/tannins that bleed through builds patience and a healthy feeling of "good enough" after 5 coats.

Jon hired Andrew to make and bring me coffee in his stead. I'm spoiled, I know. I get coffee in bed every single morning. I'm so not a morning person, and they feel sorry for me.

A quick, Sunday afternoon trip to the beach to test a new wetsuit and new-to-us board.

He dreams at night and during the day of being in the waves. 

After a couple hours of driving, plus several lengthy errands, we made a quick stop on the way home to check out a new spot. Seriously the coolest place. How is it, local people, that you don't tell me about these places? Why did it take me nearly 6 years to find this?

I'm on a running schedule again. It helps me so much to have an actual piece of paper that tell's me when and how long to run. I'm certain that's telling of my personality...

Also, night runs are the best. Morning runs are the pits.

How I found Jack one morning. He plays hard, therefore he sleeps hard.

He was working on his Father's Day note for the poster my kids make each year.

Then he took Jon out for coffee on Sunday with money he made selling lemonade.

He is our generous spender.

She was looking over the fall course catalog, wearing my dress, looking cute, while I did handstands.

I'm getting closer to not needing the wall. Hanging upside down is so energizing. 

The dorky socks are to keep the wall clean.

Yes, the bedroom walls are seriously under decorated. 

I love finding her selfies on my phone. Most times they are silly, but this one was cute.

Jon and I sort of slept outside one night last week, and we woke up to five ducklings in our pool. There was no sign of a parent, and no way for them to get out. We spent some time chasing them round the pool in the dingy, boxed them up, then took them to the wildlife rescue place. We are so Californian. Upon our return, Andrew's big, beautiful butterfly had hatched and we let it out into the big blue sky.

>:<

It's a day later, I'm happy-tired, and wouldn't you know it... here I am again. 

I look through the above pics and see how many there are of me, and I think it's rather funny. In reality, the kids' photos far outweigh mine in number, except at the moment theirs reside on my camera's memory card. 

For a brief moment, I wonder what some of you will think. Maybe some will think it's vain or lacking in humility, or someone will judge my clothes, or judge my motives, or think some other negative thought about me that I cannot guess. I wonder if I should take them down just to avoid being the object of negative thoughts, and the reason for ruffling some one's feathers.

Olivia and I talk about this sort of thing. We all know how some people plaster the internet with photos of themselves. I guess this could be vanity and a waste of time. But for others, it could be a creative expression or a celebration of a happy and blessed life. Who am I to determine some one's motive?

Here's the thing I tell Olivia: It's no less wrong to live in fear of what others might wrongly judge, always trying to please others (which is an impossibility) than it is to be filled with vanity and pride. I'm seeing with increasing clarity that I allow what I think folks might think to dictate my choices. I'm guilty of letting the fear of man stifle joyous living.

This past spring, for instance, I watched on Facebook several friends train and complete long distance runs. I loved following their training progress and I silently cheered from my side of the computer screen when they achieved their goals. They posted pictures, results, medals, happy faces. I never for an instance thought they were being proud, but rather I admired their work and accomplishment, and their freedom to simply celebrate. The funny thing is that I trained and ran too, but could not bring myself to post anything just in case it came across as prideful. It is a twisted, false humility that masks the fear of man! Can't we just celebrate the good things in life with each other? I think most people do, and it's certainly the kind of person I want to be.

So, yes, I did run. Running and the injuries I've incurred by running have only made me work harder to feel better and enjoy life more fully. And I'm rightly proud of that as I continue to push myself. I've loved the results I've worked for. Is that really so bad to say? 

But three weeks before I ran, I had to nearly stop training because of a foot injury (couldn't tell if it was a stress fracture or tendinitis). In fact, the whole 12 weeks of training didn't go very well at all, despite an iron infusion for chronic anemia at the beginning. Having to pull back during my peak weeks of training was a real disappointment. I had long let go of my goal to finish my second half marathon under two hours, and just determined to finish the race and enjoy it. I knew running was a risky gamble, but I tried to let my foot heal well enough for race day. When the day came, the odds were very much against me and I imagined having to be picked up and driven back embarrassed. I stubbornly lined up with my group in wave 2 and looked for Michael and Olivia waving past throngs of people. Then I had the best run ever, only slightly annoyed with my foot, and finished under the two-hour mark. I was a happy, limping girl during the days that followed, but the feeling of accomplishment was more than worth it, as were the weeks of foot recovery that followed.

I'd like to think that personal accomplishments should be reasons to celebrate the gift that it is from God who enables, rather than a reason to cower in fear of what others may think. Yes? The point is not running, or finishing well, but embracing the freedom to enjoy things that make us thankful!

Jon is my sweetheart. He tells me to live and be who God made me to be. His small words in passing are big deals to me sometimes. Just saying.

~Katherine