His Faithfulness on Display

In my small and quiet way, I keep coming back to this journal in an effort to recount the praises of God and rejoice in his salvation (Ps. 9:14). Tonight is no exception.

March 2019

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord;

be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Ps. 27: 13-14

"Turn to me and be gracious to me,

    for I am lonely and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart are enlarged;

    bring me out of my distresses.

Consider my affliction and my trouble,

    and forgive all my sins."

Ps. 25:16-18

"My hope is in you."

Ps. 39:7

March 2020

"Oh, how abundant is your goodness, 

which you have stored up for those who fear you

and worked for those who take refuge in you...

In the cover of your presence you hide them

from the plots of men; 

you store them in your shelter 

from the strife of tongues."

Ps. 31:19-20

The words of today's Psalm have run through my mind all evening:

... To be hidden in the cover of God's presence 
... To be stored up in His shelter

How kind is our God, how steadfast in his love, and perfect in his provisions! He has put his faithfulness on display in my heart once more.

~Katherine

An Encouragement to Persevere

As for man, his days are like grass;

    he flourishes like a flower of the field;

 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,

    and its place knows it no more.

 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from 

everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,

    and his righteousness to children's children,

 to those who keep his covenant

    and remember to do his commandments.

 The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,

    and his kingdom rules over all.

Ps. 103: 15-19

Images: Grand Teton NP, July 2019

I am an endless note taker, a scribbler down of ideas, quotes, verses, thoughts, mottoes, memories... I collect ideas and truths about life and eternity, and things that contribute to living meaningfully and with eternity in mind. I don't mean to be so pensive, and philosophy disinterests me, but I seem to have been created to see the profound in the ordinary and mundane. Maybe we all are this way, but just express it differently. I write in journals, on scraps of paper, receipts, bulletins, envelops, books, screens. I occasionally take pictures of my notes with my phone for safer keeping because I know what inevitably happens to bits of paper. My notes, if they survive, are squirreled away for later development or simply left for pondering at some undetermined future time. My little bits of written words are precious to me as they represent learning, growing, and gratefulness; what life would be without progress in these areas is unimaginable.

Many times my notes are just personal impression of an other's work. There is nothing new under the sun, just personal learning and application. Below are words I wrote on the pages of a book to summarize my take-away from a short biography. I'm transcribing here before I set the book back on the shelf and these words are buried away with the other notes within.

Persevere: The closing summation and value of your work is not found in this lifetime. Press into the opportunities God sets before you with faithful obedience and dependence, knowing God determines your present circumstances with great care and sovereign control. Trust that the final value of your work and the fruitfulness of your endeavors will ultimately be determined and eternally rewarded by God alone, not according to what we see now or how others pronounce verdict. And no matter how many things seem to go wrong according to our perspective, faithful work in the name of the Lord is never a net loss. "Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." (1 Cor. 15:58)

~Katherine

Never Alone

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you."

Is. 26:3

It's a guess to assume I'm not the only one who struggles to lay aside weighty thoughts and the cares of life to focus on Christ during Sunday morning worship, but I will try not to assume and speak only for myself. My thoughts and feelings can plague and severely distract me even when my sincere desire is to meditate on the One who rescues and redeems me from it all. The tape plays. Emotional tidal waves come in hard. My thoughts drift.

Here's what I'm learning again. It's not my duty to lay my troubles aside during worship, as if they don't matter or are unimportant. God is in fact the giver of my circumstances, my trials, the important work, and the people to care for; he also created me to respond with emotion to all the difficulties and joys of life. He gives it all to me, ordained it, knows it completely. So it's not my junk to hide from him or to shove aside for a short time. It is only mine to carry to him. I am to cast all my anxieties on Him because he cares for me (1 Pet. 5:7). This may be a better act of worship on such Sunday mornings, far better than mechanically moving my lips to words on the screen. He only beckons us to come wholly as we are, only trusting and obeying, and expecting his divine love and care.

I actually did sing on Sunday - with sincerity, too. In the midst of the struggle, he is far greater. May we know his eternal majesty and lovingkindness to always surpass our earthly, temporary struggles.

These lyrics were helpful in turning my attention to worship because his power and promises are mine to tangibly experience.

O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Strong defender of my weary heart

My sword to fight the cruel deceiver

And my shield against his hateful darts

My song when enemies surround me

My hope when tides of sorrow rise

My joy when trials are abounding

Your faithfulness, my refuge in the night

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Phil. 4:6

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Matt. 11:28

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Eph. 6:13

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Rom. 8:28

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.  Ps. 62:2

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  James 1:2-3

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.  Heb. 12:3

Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.  Heb. 13:15

A friend mentioned an article to me tonight regarding the pastor's wife. I could have written something similar, maybe with a few slight additions, omissions, and some different nuances. This article just sort of gives a glimpse into the life I lead. Just a small glimpse. I could add humor in some shocking things people say, believe, and expect. I could also add ways in which my life is immeasurably enriched.

If you care to know your pastor's wife a bit more, have a read. 

If you are a pastor's wife, you are certainly not alone.

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/10-things-woman-married-pastors-know/

Images from Joshua Tree National Park, spring bloom

They thought I was taking a picture of the small scorpion, when in actually it was their hands together that I found captivating. Jon and Michael

~Katherine

A Song in the Night

There is a songbird that resides in a treetop near my bedroom. He sings a midnight song when the world is dark and still. Possibly he is in desperate search for a mate, but his melody seems peaceful to me. He even maintains his tune through rainy nights. Though some might find him irritating, he's been my favorite songbird this season and I don't mind my sleep interrupted.

Portions of Ecclesiastes 3 read:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up;

a time to breakdown, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak...

The time to speak has come, but to do it with (much) restraint. It is the time to shake off fear of naysayers, slanders, gossipers, and those who desire our downfall. I've spent weeks wondering if I should ever post again, wondering if the likelihood of willful misalignment is worth this freedom.

Funny how a little bird can be a picture of courage to proclaim what is worthy of praise in the midst of darkness and downpour.

I realize this blog has been risky business for years. There have been some who come to pick apart, to judge, and to criticize with less than friendly intent. Despite this, it has never been my goal to present a perfect life that is free of areas needing growth or fixing. My goal has always been to be just a small voice doing my small part of proclaiming the goodness of God despite the facts of my life and my many failures.

I have been reading through the book of James recently as a source of godly wisdom during difficult times. The wisdom contained is priceless; without learning from it I might have been too hasty or undisciplined with my words here. I have suppressed the urge to defend those I love and respect or to lash out in anger and resentment. I do believe in divine judgment, so to suffer quietly is far safer in the grand scheme! 

Chapter three of James speaks of a great forest set ablaze by just a small spark. In the same way, the tongue, though small in size, has the power to execute immense destruction. Words spoken behind closed doors, words written and distributed, and words taken in and repeated have all proven to be like sparks to kindling. The consequences should be no surprise. Words have set aflame a community and a congregation; the destruction has been profound, and the inferno is not easily contained.

Words have immense power whether intended or not. To the fullest degree, they have the power of life and death. When some have mounted a full-out smear campaign, we choose not to play the game in return. I've watched my husband absorb repeated false accusations and misalignment. I have kept silent as the credibility and reputation of my family has been dragged through the mud. I have wept with my kids in disbelief. I have turned numb as friends turn their backs.

It brings us to a pause; it is a forced opportunity to evaluate ourselves and question where our hope and joy reside. The outworking of recent turmoil is newfound resolution. Come what may, our hope is in the Lord. He will accomplish his intended purposes and we trust that our loving Father is always good. Day by day, he promises new mercies and grace to endure.

I took these pictures early in the month of March, when a trial that would eventually feel like a hell on earth was just beginning. Jon came home from a lengthy meeting late in the evening, and he needed to be in L.A. early the next morning. I jumped in the car with an overnight bag in hand, knowing that our time together and opportunity to talk would be extremely limited. We arrived at a little Airbnb bachelor pad in the Hollywood hills somewhere near midnight.

There's something ironic about trials: They always bring what is good. Even then, as it was just beginning, our trial brought deeper connectivity in communication, earnest companionship, excitement at what God was doing, and the wonders of physicality, too. With renewed hope, we were up with the Los Angeles sunrise. God's mercies are new every morning, only some mornings that mercy seems extra evident.

We took a short hike in the hills as the sun continued to rise in the sky, savoring our relationship and the short moments we had together. I'd marry my husband all over again in a heartbeat.

A shot of our Airbnb~
Our little pad was the upper left-hand corner, with perfect skyline and sunrise views.

I took the nine o'clock train out, completing our 9-hour getaway. From my seat I snapped pictures through yellow-tinted train windows, and journaled and listed thoughts from the prior days~

March 5, 2019

Amtrak

Shock and Sorrow

The words 'shock and sorrow' keep ringing in my head as the only words that describe what is transpiring. These words seem like opposite extremes, but intertwined together they become correct expressions of the sentiment.

Sunday night Olivia and I lingered late in the living room, exhausted by emotional drain. We talked candidly of the shock and of the sorrow. Trial has a way of maturing a young heart quickly. She was already born an old-soul type of girl, and I can see this trial forming her into a pillar of strength and a portrait of gentle beauty. She just doesn't know it yet. One thing I've learned in life is that the strongest of people are born through heartache and difficulty. 

My sons, though not all as emotional or communicative, have also learned lessons of character. They are learning the lessons of acting "gentle as doves, but wise as serpents." This will serve them well.

My children have seen their father wholeheartedly submit himself to the elders, to humbly receive accusations, and to entrust himself to his God. They have heard him thank the Lord for trial, and even to rejoice in it because God promises it for our good always. He has reminded us that personal reputation is not what we live for; it is not the prize of our lives, but Christ is. We have prayed together then lifted our heads knowing that God will never fail. We wait to see his handiwork.

In a way, these moments have been a tender grace of God in our family life. I do believe this time in our lives will one day bear fruit in the lives of our kids, and for this I wait in eager expectation.

What ought to be our response in trial?

1. Trust in God explicitly
2. Entrust your well-being to God's sovereignty and his unfailing love
3. Understand that trial is for our good and his glory
4. Walk humbly, finding comfort and companionship in the Savior
5. Endeavor to learn; repent when necessary
6. Remember that in a time of testing, we must be doers of the Word

When we are betrayed...

1. Don't regret having displayed love and kindness; no matter the outcome, it wasn't a waste
2. Keep a tender heart; resist fear of committing to relationship again
3. If appropriate, recommitment to former relationships will take increased wisdom and caution
4. Trust in God's timing and method of sanctifying his children (ourselves and others)
5. Remember that God executes perfect judgment or perfect forgiveness
6. Acknowledge pain, but commit to doing good and loving with hope
7. Understand that trust isn't wed to forgiveness
8. Don't expect apology or acknowledgement of any sort
9. Be thankful for the exposure of people's character and the nature of relationships. Nothing has changed, only now it is exposed. This new knowledge will be a protection.

>:<

Much has transpired in two months. More shock and sorrow, yes, but also more hope, more evidences of grace, more growth. Seasons in relationship have changed, some for better, some not. Much has been learned, and much more has been ingrained in our character as God gives us the ability to persevere. And help comes in many ways: comrades in the faith carry the load with us; truth from the Word is understood and wisdom is gained for its application; a biblical lens helps to interpret people, events, and responses; and the Spirit guides in unmistakable ways.

One thing remains: the love of God that never fails. Because of his love, we can temporarily enter into his sufferings with the hope of sharing the eternal glory. Through shock and sorrow, joy will emerge like a song in the night.


~Katherine

Presence and Availability

For the next two hours I’m sitting alone in a coffee shop before picking up my boys. It’s my occasional guilty pleasure. No. Let me restate that: It’s something I do on occasion wherein I fight guilt knowing that time invested in myself is needful. This martyr’s complex many moms embrace is a real thing, albeit a poor way to feel or think. The mind and the emotions need to inform each other; neither should stand on their own.

I find myself approaching another crossroad. It’s not here yet, but it’s out there somewhere on the horizon. I wonder what’s in the next bend for me.

My kids are growing up, and my days are beginning to look different. I do believe my presence and availability are still very much needed in our home; from morning till long past night I am always on standby. And when my physical presence and availability are not needful, my availability to pray in the presence of God is absolutely necessary. I’m not ready to make any life changes quite yet, but I do want be prepared for the next juncture.

I once made a conscious, calculated, and informed decision to live my life for the benefit of others, primarily for my husband and kids. My life for theirs. It’s been the filter through which so many decisions are made; I habitually evaluate how new opportunities or uses of my time and personal resources will promote or impede the development and endeavors of my people. With my kids I learned that this work of presence and availability is the setting for nurturing relationship, and provides opportunity to teach of God along the way of life. I also learned that this general job description wasn’t a waste of my life, but rather an investment. The well-being of Jon and our kids has been my pursuit; their dreams and goals are mine, and their fulfillment takes priority over mine. If I can’t be of help, I do my best to stand out of the way.

My season of active parenting will end. A parent-friend relationship is the immediate goal, until one day I become a friend-parent. At that point there will be no more parenting, only a desire for redefined presence and availability, and friendship with adult children.

So at this point I am beginning to feel like my teenagers needing to respond to the question, “What do you want to do when you graduate?”

My plan is never to stay stagnant, and to receive change well. I want to “graduate” with much hope and joy, and with a plan for the next phase. What will consume my time? How can I come alongside my husband in a greater capacity? How will I develop my own interests and skills? And in these new pursuits, how can I maintain a position of presence and availability to my adult kids and to others? In short, what am I going to do with my time?

Jon and I married and started our family young, so, Lord willing, I have a lot of productive years ahead. Perhaps there's opportunity for a second occupation. Should I refresh my degree or go to grad school? Should I pour myself into a career, one that would come with a paycheck? Because honestly, a paycheck holds a certain appeal! I would be thrilled to contribute to college tuition or family vacations or home renovations or savings.

I’ve also accumulated a fair bit of experience teaching kids with dyslexia; I could pretty easily and quickly get the needed certifications to start a side business.

I have other interests along the creative side, too. Would it be fun to pursue those more intently, and what would be the end goal for those?

What about investing in the community, in bearing the burdens of the unseen, those on the periphery of society? It’s no secret I have a long-time desire to assist the destitute, those who need hope in ways most of us can’t comprehend. I’ve recently looked into a down town school for homeless children, a local shelter for homeless teens, and a pregnancy resource center. There’s a golden-haired woman named Keri who passes through our neighborhood in search of tin cans to return, and I wonder how I could be used in such a life.

Both money and time can be used for eternal investments. Should I aim to give money or to give time?

And then of course there’s the church. Ministry needs abound. They really do abound! Without looking for ways to serve, opportunities are always calling. I used to think, “No, I have nothing to give. I lack facility of words for the giving of comfort and wisdom; I don’t know scripture well enough. Frankly, I am way more broken myself than helpful.” But I am beginning to see that in this posture I can touch another with the hope that only God has given me. Maybe presence and availability is where I start here, too. It’s the giving of time and self.

Oh, but now wait. Perhaps I should pour myself into the ministry of hospitality. This has been a growing desire, and I don’t think by accident. Biblical hospitality is also a generous gift of resources, presence, and availability. Rightly done, it is an investment into relationships and it can have eternal implications.

So I’m praying about it all. Presence and availability will remain a priority for me, in this season and the next. I want to be poised for service and for relationship, with investment into eternity as the end goal. I have never been a very good judge of my skill and ability, or very decided on what I like to do,  but I know God is perfectly aware. Exactly how I should use my time will become evident through prayer and wise consult, I am sure of it!


{Endnote regarding my opening statement on the martyr’s complex: I am not seeking out suffering as defined by this term or as some would define this way of life. Suffering is not the goal, not even close. No one earns brownie points for conjuring up self-sacrifice. In fact, suffering is simply promised. We don’t need to go looking for it. In contrast, true sacrifice - one life for another - is a posture of heart in the backward Kingdom of God, and I believe the rewards are happier in the end. Regarding investing into self, I’ve come to see it’s absolutely critical for maximizing what we can give to others in love. There are no points for misplaced guilt, either!}


~Katherine

December 2018

When most people have long since posted their Christmas pictures and New Year's resolutions, I'm reaching back to the beginning of December. I maintain that late is better than never.

There was a line that swirled around my head all month, words of a carol that enveloped my heart in occasions of quiet.

"Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth"

Yes, the soul felt its worth because the Lord came to save. His love establishes our worth, makes us precious, makes us whole. What a marvelous truth to grasp, or at least endeavor to comprehend and simply receive. I guess I'd glossed over the words in times past, but this year I was gripped by them repeatedly. Over and over, the words captured my thoughts: "and the soul felt its worth." To feel is far more powerful than to merely know.

December was fabulous: Parts were fabulous in celebration and parts were fabulously hard. I am committed to seeing and remembering the good while learning from our trials, so I will dwell mostly on the good parts today. I pondered the more difficult aspects before the Lord, and speak of them carefully with those closest to me, confident that good will always emerge.

December is for parties of all kinds, especially birthdays. Although Andrew's birthday is at the end of November, he celebrated with friends a week later. (The power went out that night and we spent the bulk of our time iceskating, so I have limited pictures on my DSLR.)

Fourteen years for Andrew. He's doing life well. He is hard-working, entrepreneurial, disciplined, kind. In the car this morning, he told me how yesterday's sermon from Psalm 90 helped him to further understand God's eternality and the immeasurable grace of his forgiveness. I have so much to be thankful for.

A Sunday morning "birthday" picture, below~

This one makes me smile. The placement of his hand is proof that the early teen years are awkward, a time of growing comfortable in how one projects himself to the public. Is it OK to show affection to your mother? Naturally and regularly affectionate, his uneasiness humors me. I am reminded that we are in a season where both my understanding and affirmation are important in his development. (Evidently, I forgot to stand straight and suck in, which says something about how much I care about my "image projection" these days!)

December is for Michael. Sixteen on the 16th.

His slender frame is 6'3" tall. It has become a near impossible task to find clothes that fit. We have to choose between length or width/waist.

The Friday before his birthday, I had arranged to secretly drop off a bunch of cupcakes with one of his friends at school. As luck would have it, it turned out to be a combined lunch hour (all grades) AND open mic. The whole school sang Happy Birthday.

We drove up the coast for a late birthday lunch after church on the 16th, then took in the vast ocean views from the hills before heading back for him to meet up with friends at the theater.

He is beautiful to me. He will be a wonderful adventure for a special someone to discover some day. He is an interesting mix of extroversion and introversion. He is well-liked at school, humorous, and fascinating if he allows you in. He is understated in his skills and abilities, and a wealth of random facts. Things that are unclear to me tend to be so obvious to him. And, if I'm honest, he remains my "wild card." He is the child that leaves me searching, wondering what's on the inside, surprised by what emerges; he keeps me on my knees, sending up flares for prayers, and dangerously more like myself than not.

These days are going by too fast. To those in the infant, toddler, and pre-school years, be aware of the brevity of time now. And if your season is in the bickering middle years, or the smelly pre-teen years, or the precarious teens, endeavor to enjoy each stage dearly. I promise you won't regret it.

December in California is for pomegranates. I was thankful for some regular days of regular home life, afternoon sunlight, a superfood of ruby-colored jewels, and a son who enjoys listening to literature while helping out his mom. I paid him $1 for each pomegranate he seeded, even though he ate a ton.

This December was especially for "lasts." The month is the last of the year, of course, but it marked many other lasts for me. Would this be the last time for the whole family to gather together in the living room to decorate the tree? Probably yes.

It was also probably the last time all four kids accompany me to the tree lot.

We picked out a lovely tree with a wonky top, making it hard to hold the heavy star, but at least we were all to blame for our selection. It took a couple attempts with Jacob atop Jon's shoulders; finally we pulled up chairs to climb up and fasten it. It still gave me grief all season!

Another last: Olivia's last morning departure for her last high school final. I chose to smile past the lump in my throat.

Jacob and I foraged for evergreens and pinecones together. Andrew had more interesting things to do, and I suspect this might be the last year Jacob tags along as I search for Christmas decor. We pitched and bowled the pinecones into the bag before racing to the party store to buy Olivia's graduation balloons.

A short word about reality... December has traditionally proven to be a season of trial in this household, and burn-out has marked us repeatedly. Ministry was never meant to be an easy way of life, so why should we be surprised? Still, we are broadsided at times. We are thankful for some personal time of respite to regroup, reconnect, refocus, exhale, and strategize for a new beginning. (My short word is over.)

Christmas Eve family games~

Christmas morning waiting~

To me, the face of the giver is just as wonderful as the face of the receiver...

One of my gifts: an engraved brass plate for my preacher-husband's pulpit.

Andrew took it upon himself to fill everyone's stockings. He packed them with Coca-Cola bottles, treats and snacks, gift cards, and carefully selected personal gifts. He's claimed the stockings for next year.

This was the last picture on my camera for the year~

Here's to looking at the new year with big, expectant eyes. May our "lasts" toast cheerfully with "new beginnings" like good friends gathered for New Years.

New beginnings. Let that wash over you with joy.


~Katherine