Presence and Availability

For the next two hours I’m sitting alone in a coffee shop before picking up my boys. It’s my occasional guilty pleasure. No. Let me restate that: It’s something I do on occasion wherein I fight guilt knowing that time invested in myself is needful. This martyr’s complex many moms embrace is a real thing, albeit a poor way to feel or think. The mind and the emotions need to inform each other; neither should stand on their own.

I find myself approaching another crossroad. It’s not here yet, but it’s out there somewhere on the horizon. I wonder what’s in the next bend for me.

My kids are growing up, and my days are beginning to look different. I do believe my presence and availability are still very much needed in our home; from morning till long past night I am always on standby. And when my physical presence and availability are not needful, my availability to pray in the presence of God is absolutely necessary. I’m not ready to make any life changes quite yet, but I do want be prepared for the next juncture.

I once made a conscious, calculated, and informed decision to live my life for the benefit of others, primarily for my husband and kids. My life for theirs. It’s been the filter through which so many decisions are made; I habitually evaluate how new opportunities or uses of my time and personal resources will promote or impede the development and endeavors of my people. With my kids I learned that this work of presence and availability is the setting for nurturing relationship, and provides opportunity to teach of God along the way of life. I also learned that this general job description wasn’t a waste of my life, but rather an investment. The well-being of Jon and our kids has been my pursuit; their dreams and goals are mine, and their fulfillment takes priority over mine. If I can’t be of help, I do my best to stand out of the way.

My season of active parenting will end. A parent-friend relationship is the immediate goal, until one day I become a friend-parent. At that point there will be no more parenting, only a desire for redefined presence and availability, and friendship with adult children.

So at this point I am beginning to feel like my teenagers needing to respond to the question, “What do you want to do when you graduate?”

My plan is never to stay stagnant, and to receive change well. I want to “graduate” with much hope and joy, and with a plan for the next phase. What will consume my time? How can I come alongside my husband in a greater capacity? How will I develop my own interests and skills? And in these new pursuits, how can I maintain a position of presence and availability to my adult kids and to others? In short, what am I going to do with my time?

Jon and I married and started our family young, so, Lord willing, I have a lot of productive years ahead. Perhaps there's opportunity for a second occupation. Should I refresh my degree or go to grad school? Should I pour myself into a career, one that would come with a paycheck? Because honestly, a paycheck holds a certain appeal! I would be thrilled to contribute to college tuition or family vacations or home renovations or savings.

I’ve also accumulated a fair bit of experience teaching kids with dyslexia; I could pretty easily and quickly get the needed certifications to start a side business.

I have other interests along the creative side, too. Would it be fun to pursue those more intently, and what would be the end goal for those?

What about investing in the community, in bearing the burdens of the unseen, those on the periphery of society? It’s no secret I have a long-time desire to assist the destitute, those who need hope in ways most of us can’t comprehend. I’ve recently looked into a down town school for homeless children, a local shelter for homeless teens, and a pregnancy resource center. There’s a golden-haired woman named Keri who passes through our neighborhood in search of tin cans to return, and I wonder how I could be used in such a life.

Both money and time can be used for eternal investments. Should I aim to give money or to give time?

And then of course there’s the church. Ministry needs abound. They really do abound! Without looking for ways to serve, opportunities are always calling. I used to think, “No, I have nothing to give. I lack facility of words for the giving of comfort and wisdom; I don’t know scripture well enough. Frankly, I am way more broken myself than helpful.” But I am beginning to see that in this posture I can touch another with the hope that only God has given me. Maybe presence and availability is where I start here, too. It’s the giving of time and self.

Oh, but now wait. Perhaps I should pour myself into the ministry of hospitality. This has been a growing desire, and I don’t think by accident. Biblical hospitality is also a generous gift of resources, presence, and availability. Rightly done, it is an investment into relationships and it can have eternal implications.

So I’m praying about it all. Presence and availability will remain a priority for me, in this season and the next. I want to be poised for service and for relationship, with investment into eternity as the end goal. I have never been a very good judge of my skill and ability, or very decided on what I like to do,  but I know God is perfectly aware. Exactly how I should use my time will become evident through prayer and wise consult, I am sure of it!


{Endnote regarding my opening statement on the martyr’s complex: I am not seeking out suffering as defined by this term or as some would define this way of life. Suffering is not the goal, not even close. No one earns brownie points for conjuring up self-sacrifice. In fact, suffering is simply promised. We don’t need to go looking for it. In contrast, true sacrifice - one life for another - is a posture of heart in the backward Kingdom of God, and I believe the rewards are happier in the end. Regarding investing into self, I’ve come to see it’s absolutely critical for maximizing what we can give to others in love. There are no points for misplaced guilt, either!}


~Katherine