An Unforeseen Ending

The afternoon sunlight of that day was simply beautiful. Early June days had arrived with a thick marine layer of gloom, but this day, like a gift, was beautiful.

The children all played together in the pool. The bigger kids stood on surf boards and competed with foam swords, or took turns running from the hard scape onto the boards and flinging themselves into the water. The two youngest of the bunch bobbed and flailed in the jacuzzi, showing off their recently learned tricks from their first-ever swim lessons last month. I stood by like a dutiful lifeguard and cheered at all their attempts to swim, amazed by how far they've come since they first arrived. Not too long ago, they were anxious of having their hair washed.

The afternoon continued on wonderfully. The three youngest warmed up beneath fluffy towels while I sliced up an entire watermelon. It lasted maybe 10 minutes before every last slice was consumed. I picked up a couple soggy band aids by the pool side, carried in wet towels, and prepped for dinner.

On one hand it was a pretty normal afternoon: kids, water, food, band aids. On the other hand, it was completely different. There were no outbursts or "episodes," no defiance and slamming of doors, no hateful words. And this would be our last afternoon together.  I will always remember it as a wonderful day.

Everything that has transpired over the course of the last several months is still so raw; I am having a difficult time knowing how to package it all into words. This is the post I wish I didn't have to write. It's a post I don't know how to write. I keep reminding myself I don't owe it to anyone to give an explanation here, but to some extent it is necessary if I ever plan on blogging again.

After an incredible amount of prayer and counsel from individuals and couples who are well-acquainted with foster care and adoption, and who love the Lord, we have decided not to proceed with the adoption of the two precious children that were in our care. It is a complicated matter, and I desire to keep the reasons private for the sake of the children. In essence, we are not able to provide the level of care they need and deserve.

After the decision was made, I agonized over how the last day would unroll. I imagined it to be the worst day of my life, with one child raging and the other in utter devastation, and with my heart absolutely shred to pieces. However, my imaginings could not have been further from the truth. The children took the news as very matter of fact, and within minutes they were completely excited for their next home. We spent the evening and the following morning preparing the kids for their transition, and the whole time they were happier than we had ever seen them before. Frankly, it was quite bizarre, but their response further confirmed we were making the right decision.

I broke the rules and tucked my phone number and address into the Bibles we gave each of the kids. I'd like for them to be able to reach us some day if they choose to do so. Surprisingly, I received a phone call the following day and I spoke with one of the kids. She had good things to say: she was settled in comfortably, she was enjoying her new surroundings, and she happily told me about her new friends. Amazingly, her brother's old school friend is in the same home, and the two boys were on the trampoline out back. She promised to give him a hug for me. I then spoke to their new caregiver, a very warm and caring individual.

On this side of things, we are confident in our decision and feel very relieved and grateful. The last four months have been the hardest trial of our lives. And yet, there is a certain sadness and grief over what could have been.

I'm not sure why things went the way they did. I do know with certainty that God's ways are not my ways. I may never know the "why" of this chapter of my life, but I trust in the surpassing goodness of God at all times.

I know I will battle a sense of failure, and wonder where we went wrong. I will question the strength of my faith in God, and I will fear being judged or misunderstood by others. But I know God is sovereign, and I trust God has His purposes in it. This is now part of the story He wrote for me before time began, and I trust Him completely to know what is best.

I am thankful for all those who loved them well, especially within the body of Christ. The children know the gospel, and they know we will love and pray for them always.


~Katherine