Interior Monologue on a Thursday Night

My thoughts are swirling, untidy, disorganized. The night time is my best time, when the troubles fade a bit, when life seems more manageable, more hopeful, and I want to remember. And so, untidy and disorganized this blog post will be. It is a crazy time we are living through, with highs and mostly lows, but I want to remember. My time to record is ever so brief, and there is no time to organize.

Last night Jon and I went out on a date for the first time in a long while. It is now necessary to have a TB-tested, back-ground checked, and finger-printed babysitter in our foster-certified home. We can't just take off for a late night walk after the kids are in bed,  nor can we drop off the little ones with willing friends. It's not that simple anymore. The directions for the evening are complicated, because the expected behaviors are not the common childhood variety. Yes, we have to equip our sweet sitter with battle plans against a myriad of crafty ploys.

Jon put it well a few weeks ago when he said, "We are grieving the life we once had." He hit the nail on the head. They are honest words, but they don't negate the fact that we are committed.

Nonetheless, we enjoyed our night out. We had an unspoken rule, one that we both needed: No talking about the kids. And so the evening was both light and heavy. It was light on the surface, but heavy because our lives are just that right now.

Recently Michael has been awakened in the dead of night by a mockingbird singing outside his bedroom window. I was sitting at the computer when he mentioned this, so I looked up the subject of mockingbirds singing in the night. I read: "Mockingbirds are not singing out of joy or pleasure as is commonly believed. Much of the time, they sing out of desperation."

Me too. Today I cranked up the music because I will not let us get sucked down without a fight! We may not be giddy with happiness, but we can drown out the sound of whining and dance for just a little while. Why not convince our wavering emotions that we're having fun? I'm desperate for joy, desperate to recreate a joyful atmosphere. So the music goes up and we bust out the awkward dance moves, and hope to crack a few smiles.

Running helps too. When I'm tired, it seems counterintuitive to go for a run, but somehow the act of running away from the house is quite freeing! Desperate? Maybe. I crank up the music and run free. It's my therapy and it's way better than emotional eating or staring at a TV screen. Plus, it's springtime, so singing songbirds and spring training should go hand-in-hand. The boys each ran a race this last weekend, all except the one boy who is in double leg casts. Maybe next year will be his year.

I was just fitted for some new running shoes this week. It seems my feet have grown since last year, and my toes have been sore. They were well on their way to looking square in time for summer. So now I have new shoes in a new size and I'm embarrassed by the number. My dad used to say I didn't need skis because my feet were long enough on their own.

I'm mostly a barefoot-in-the-kitchen kind of girl, but now I feel more like a barefoot cafeteria lady. In one of my Julia Child cookbooks, she said that cooking for more than four people was like cooking cafeteria food. She said good food couldn't be prepared well in large quantity. I haven't been cooking as I'd like, and the meals I make seem better suited for the masses. I "dish out" portions each night feeling sorry I just can't get with it better. It doesn't help we're using paper plates now and then either. Some day I will get back into trying new recipes with new ingredients, caring about presentations, and serving with a little more satisfaction. Maybe I'll even get back to doing "fancy" meals with cloths napkins on a regular weekday night. I may be barefoot, but I really like well done and polished, too.

It's springtime and I like it. I love the green, the blossoms, and the promise of carefree summer days. Those days may or may not be carefree when they come, but I like to hope for the best. Things are different here, but they are good. God is good always, so there is always plenty of good all around. And so as this day closes, I can't help but be thankful still.

The pool is in use almost daily now.

Jon let our friends use his truck, so we got this fun little ride for our date night. The kids each enjoyed a ride around the block as well.

The sun had already set by the time we took off, and one of my kids took this shot for us. It's blurry. Whatever.

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I just had time to post a few pictures now. Today is Good Friday; tonight we will gather at church to observe communion. I am really looking forward to it. I'm not sure how I will get dinner done in time, or how I'll have myself and a mob of kids presentable, but I am looking forward to the service. My guess it that people will just gather as they are: some will arrive from work, some off the street, and some straight out of the kitchen. And we will gather together and remember the work of our Savior. We will remember and rejoice that the work is FINISHED!

~Katherine