Holding On

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purposes."

Rom. 8: 26-28

It would seem that darkness lingers longer in the mornings around here as I sleep restlessly and wake many times before the sun comes up. I know I need rest, so let myself ease back into sleep for a while only to wake again while it is still dark. The sun comes up slowly, my sleep apparently lasting only a few moments. I talk to God again, just like I had been some 6 hours or so earlier. "Talk" is not really a fitting word. I've not always talked to God because the words have not always been there. 

I am laid bare. At times I've been quite wrecked. Those late night moments and early morning hours... He just knows. He sees me-- my inner most being, my fears, my questions, my all. And He just knows.

In a sense I do pray because I just hold on tight. It is my simple, humble worship and petition: "God, you know. Help me. We need you..."

Morning light comes and the pounding of my heart and churning of my stomach sets in strong. I ask once more, "Show me Your power today. Let me know your presence. I need to see something of You today because I can't do this alone..."

And He is always faithful. Always. Even when I could have despaired, He was faithful still.

I hang on to small bits of truths throughout the day. Small bits, moment by moment, just keeping things simple in my mind and heart. The days and weeks and situations are not always simple, but the important truths need to be crystal clear and close to me at all times. My Bible stays open, the same passage is read again several times. At times I have hardly held on, only by a thread. Maybe God is showing me that in my strength I am unable, but He won't let go?

His Words. Simple and clear. I believe.

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace in time of need."

Heb. 4: 14-16

"When you pray, better to let your heart be without words than your words without a heart."  

John Bunyan, 1688

~Katherine