We had another wedding to go to this afternoon and evening, and it took me two weeks of brainstorming and failed attempts to find a sitter. Finally yesterday it all came together; plans were made, confirmed, and we were good to go.
I was looking forward to it. It was going to be one of those really fun weddings, super celebratory and uniquely styled. Since Jon was not officiating this ceremony we were going to go as a couple, which is kind of unusual for us at weddings. Not only that, but there would be nearly 3 hours of driving time alone for the two of us. I even had a dress and shoes I thought would be just right! Yeah, I was looking forward to it.
But when I stepped out of the shower and began getting ready early this afternoon, I looked at the clock and I realized I had made a terrible timing mistake. My arrangements were off by more than an hour! And because Jon had a small part in the program, he had to leave immediately. There was no time for me to finish getting ready, and no time to take a detour to drop off our kids.
In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal, but right now I'm feeling really lame. In fact, it's bringing up some of the familiar feelings of inadequacy with which I am often bothered. The same old jabs to the heart and gut...
"You're not enough. He deserves more. Mismatched."
(I'm going to be transparent here, but only because it's my strong suspicion that my struggles are not entirely uncommon...)
It's true that I struggle with these things in my marriage. It's that nagging sense that I've let my husband down-- not on occasion like today, but on the whole. I am often troubled with a sense that I am not what he needs, inadequate, and mismatched. Our personalities, our interests, our goals... they are often vastly different. Then of course there's the issue of being a pastor's wife and all that he needs me to be in that regard. It all weighs on me very heavy because it would seem to me that my personality, my abilities and skill sets, my interests, etc. are all wrong. I am ill-suited for the roles, the expectations, and the legitimate needs. Not enough.
But I really love the guy! I so badly wish to be all that he wants and needs. I want to make him happy, fulfilled. I want to partner with him in his dreams and pursuits, and be that excellent, perfect wife.
Then reality glares me in the face and laughs mockingly!
A thought came to me today:
Am I like Hannah's husband Elkanah in 1 Samuel 1? When Hannah was sad, when she felt alone and dejected because Elkana's second wife Peninnah mocked and berated her, and when her desires were unfulfilled, Elkanah asked her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” (1 Sam. 1:8). When he asked her, "Am I not more to you than ten sons?" I wonder what he expected. Did he expect to be everything to her?
In the same way, what am I expecting? Should any of us hope to satisfy our spouse completely, and to meet their needs or expectations perfectly? Is it ever reasonable to think that I could satisfy Jon entirely? Can I ever be all that he needs, all that he wants, the perfect helpmeet?
No.
I can try. I can work at being the wife/partner/companion that he needs, but I will never be complete satisfaction. It's not possible.
Neither should I expect to find perfect fulfillment in my husband (because I was created to find my all in God). Because we are both human, what I should expect is disappointment at times, both in and from him. Then instead of being shocked or injured by it, we would move forward with a plan of restoration and/or acceptance.
I don't believe I'm the wrong wife for Jon, even though at times it would seem so. I do believe we were united by God and that both our similarities and differences will be used by Him to perfect us and bring forth His purposes. I also know that growth sometimes hurts.
Jon and I celebrated 15 years of marriage this summer. Though our bond was strong from the very beginning of our relationship, even from our teenage years, we have been tested relentlessly over those 15 years. And the outcome today? It is a commitment with more fervent resolve, a desire to love and serve each other no matter how great the difficulty or self-sacrifice. We have each given up a great deal for the other, each giving beyond what we feel we have to give. And though the process of learning to live as one often comes by way of difficulty, the conclusion always says...
"I choose you."
~Katherine
I think you wrote this post for me. I feel so much of what you said & I appreciate you sharing!
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