Saturday, October 22, 2011

No Super Woman

It sounded like spring this week. I've been stopped in my tracks more than once by the familiar tune of a Robin singing somewhere not too far from my window. Their song brings sweet memories of my childhood when Robins would grace us with their song from springtime till the beginning of school. Though not vocally gifted as the Robin, I was also surprised to hear the squawk of a Red Wing Black Bird above my head as I returned my Target shopping cart the other day. They were always the first birds to arrive just as the last bit of snow melted, and the promise of life always thrilled me.  I guess they are on their way just a little further south of here to winter.

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This week the kids amused themselves with the empty boxes on our back patio area. It looks a little like a homeless alley out there, and Michael even said he was practicing to be a hobo.




As I prepared dinner and watched them from the kitchen window, struggling when the cardboard walls collapsed, I thought of what it means to build a house. Well, not an actual house, but a life. My kids had these grand ideas of building forts with rooms and tunnels, but all too often they were faced with the reality of their limitations. If they didn't plan well, if their hopes and dreams were beyond their abilities and resources, their fort would cave in on them. Sometimes they gave up and sometimes they tried again.

And that's how it is in real life. Sometimes I need to decide between facing reality and giving up, or going back to planning, building and perfecting, and to JUST NOT GIVING UP. I write that with a little shouting going on inside because that's sort of my default: I figure I need to pray more, plan more, work harder, and            more, but never give up something that was important.

I have felt discouraged this week. I look around and I see amazing women. From my perspective, which I know is limited, they seem like superpower women.

I wish I could do it all. More specifically, I wish I could do it all and do it well. I envision myself being more of a super woman, when reality is far from that. So, so far from that.

I've come to a point where I have to admit my limitations, my weakness, and my repeated failed attempts. There are some things that are just not meant for me and I have to give up, no matter how discouraging it is to me personally. But it's not all about me. In order to build something better I have to find a better way. My personal resources, my reality, is not sufficient. I must give up and seek a different way.

I know this is vague, but in the midst of facing failure and discouragement this week, I have fallen prey to the devil's lie that I am not good enough, I'm not doing enough, and that everyone is disappointed in me. I've believed those lies and I've spent some very miserable days. Oh, my heart is so quick to fall prey and to forget the truth that can set me free! How quick I am to forget that I am loved and accepted by the God of the universe! What else should even matter?

Jon tells me that I expect too much of myself, and I am well aware that I care way too much about what others expect of me. In fact, I even care about what I think others expect of me. Yes, people pleasing and the fear of man at its best. In my introspection yesterday, questioning why it is that I care so much about someone else's expectations or perceived expectations, it dawned on me that I think others think the way I do. (How's that for confusing?!) In other words, I assume people think like me. Could it be that I expect too much of others? Could it be that I am too critical and quick to jump to conclusions regarding what other people do and how well they do it? Could it be that I am very judgmental?

The passage I recently read to the kids as we're making our way through the book of Matthew quickly came to mind. It says, "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you" (Matt. 7:1-2).

Wow, I have been put in my place. My judgment of others, judgment that I cannot live up, has come back to bite me.

I'm glad to be on this end of the week, and thankful for God's revealing work in my life. I've got a long way to go in the people pleasing department, but once again there is before me the opportunity to seek His will, to strive for His pleasure, and to become confident knowing that what He thinks of me is all that matters.

(Jacob learning place value in math. He tell me he likes math, but not "letters".)


"The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down." Prov. 14:1


~Katherine

3 comments:

  1. Hi Katherine
    Hope this coming is week is better for you.It is interesting that here at this end,I am always hearing extended family (Rourkes) say how much they admire you and the way you raise your children.Not to mention...the grace it takes to be a pastor's wife and all that requires.I will always admire the way you showed tireless devotion to Jon and Andrew after the accident.You were wonderfully strong,patient and understanding in a situation that would have destroyed so many others.The stress was almost tangible yet you never faltered.
    You are the best wife and mother of my precious "grands" that I could ever have asked God to send us.I love you and appreciate you Katherine
    I am praying daily for all of you.
    Love,Carol

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  2. Carol, you're making me get all teary! Thanks for your encouragement and love.

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  3. I meant every word Katherine......I need to express my appreciation to all my children more often....love you.

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